How to Cheat With Permission

I’m Alexander Cheves, a writer, author, and sex educator. My nickname is Beastly. I give adult advice on this blog — no question is off-limits. To ask me something, email AskBeastly@gmail.com or send a message via the Ask Beastly contact form.

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Hey Beast, your blog is light.
Real, raw and mind opener.

Going straight to the point: I am a romantic man. The kind of man who turn a war zone into the safest place so the man he loves can feel loved, warm and secure.

I have overcome so many stuff that I don’t like about myself so I can be the best team player with my partner. Except for this one: I can stop doing random hook ups, I can’t stop cheating.

In every relationship I had (currently in a serious “monogamous” relationship) I couldn’t avoid the heat and the warm places where anonymous and random hook ups takes me. It feels like I am addicted to a delicious vicious, I lose myself when I am doing it (in the good sense of the word), most of the times I give the excuse (to myself) that I am going out for a walk, but in reality I am going out to find someone to blow and make out and touch in places where I had previously analyzed as good places for the rush. (All of them public).

I cannot communicate this to my boyfriend, absolutely not. He won’t accept it and the amazing place where we are would be gone. And yes! Me and him are the best place where a relationship can be.

I love him, I really f*****ing do I just can’t stop.

I am on my way to buy him flowers as later we will cook together.

I know, I am an asshole.

Any thoughts on this?

I wish challenges in life brings you the enlightenment they supposed to give you. I wish you happiness and if is your willing to keep writing please keep doing it. Stay safe Beast.

Hugs from Qatar.

Hi cheater,

Big hugs back to Qatar. Forgive my bluntness, but you and your boyfriend are not in an “amazing place.” You’re having to lie about something you love, to someone you love.

You’ve read my blog, so you know I won’t use moralizing language or condemn you for needing anonymous sex. I need it too. But I will condemn keeping this from your partner. Lying to him a) breaks the trust required to maintain a healthy relationship, in most cases irreparably, and b) withholds from him the information he needs to make decisions for his emotional and sexual health.

Not all parts of a relationship need full-disclosure. We can never know everything about our partners, nor should we. Everyone is entitled to privacy, even and especially from those they love. But this side of yourself must be known and discussed between you and whoever you choose to date, because it directly affects their mental, emotional, and sexual well-being. By keeping this from him, you’re harming him — he just doesn’t know it.

He will someday. As someone who has cheated for most of my love life, I promise: the truth always comes out. Some STI will pass from one of your trysts to him, or someone you meet in a park will later see you two in a bar and blab. He might just get suspicious and follow you on one of your walks. There are many ways a partner can find out. Be the boyfriend that tells the truth before that happens. A confession is always better than being caught in a lie.

You are like me: you can’t do monogamy. That’s fine. The best relationship for you is probably an open or mostly-open one, a non-monogamous relationship in which you can regularly enjoy anonymous sex with your partner’s awareness and consent. Such a relationship is very possible — I’ve been in one for three years — but you probably won’t get that relationship with this guy. And here’s the unfortunate truth: he might have been comfortable with this kind of setup if you had told the truth in the beginning or confessed the first time one of these anonymous hookups happened.

But you didn’t do that. Even though things are good now, this relationship will likely end because of that. One mistake followed by a confession can be forgiven — in fact, it can open up necessary dialogue about sexual boundaries and improve a relationship in the long run. But a mistake done over and over is not a mistake — it is calculated, intentional deceit. I believe this lie — along with the behavior it hides — was not intended to harm him. In fact, I imagine that, in your mind, it has nothing to do with him. I felt the same way about my past cheating: I was never trying to hurt the men I was with. But I couldn’t say no to fun. You can’t either.

This relationship needs to end so you both can progress to the relationships you both need. He needs someone to lick the wounds this relationship will almost certainly inflict on him, and you need someone you can be honest with — someone who takes you as you are.

I’m not trying to advertise my current relationship as an ideal, though it certainly feels ideal sometimes. Brent and I have fights and disagreements, but one thing we don’t struggle with is honesty, because the parameters of our relationship eliminate the idea of cheating. I really couldn’t cheat on him if I tried. He is free to play with anyone at any time and so am I. As a result, I have never felt closer to someone or more understood by someone I love.

You need a relationship like this, and I think this is the only kind of relationship in which chronic cheaters like us can be happy. I cheated on everyone I dated before Brent. If he and I were not open, I would have already cheated on him, and I would have probably lied about it. If I wasn’t in the kind of relationship I’m in now, I’d feel just as miserable and guilty as you do.

To have an open or non-monogamous relationship, you must first accept that monogamy is simply an unrealistic goal, at least for you. Then you need to confess to your partner — he deserves that. He’ll probably leave you, and he should. When it’s all over, you will suffer, feel guilty, blame yourself, then move on with a new sense of self-understanding, one forged by the feeling of having hurt someone who did not deserve it. Allow this relationship to be a lesson. When you are ready to date again, present sexual exclusivity as a hardline dealbreaker, something you will not do for any person. You are non-monogamous. You will meet hot guys who you will need to refuse because they want exclusivity. Eventually a guy will come along who is like you, and the wait will be worth it. Instead of promising yourself to one person indefinitely, you will discuss limits, boundaries, comfort levels, and freedoms — things non-monogamous people discuss when they date.

Few people are truly cut out for monogamy — in fact, I think most people are like us. It’s a shame, then, that most people still try to deliver fidelity despite their desires. They do this because monogamy is the enforced standard for love in the world, one demanded by most faiths. Non-monogamous people are an insurgent class: we reject the old doctrines and dead gods in favor of modern relationships that are humane and honest. Your future relationships — should you to take my advice — can be like this. They can be stronger and better than the one you’re in now.

For what it’s worth, I believe you love him. I also believe you love public sex with strangers. You’re allowed to love both, just not with him, because loving both in this relationship involves betrayal. If you really want to date someone and build a life with them, you need a relationship that lets you love both openly — no secrets, no lies.

You’re a cheater who needs to find permission, not forgiveness — you’re past that. I will never surrender the freedom to have sex with strangers, and I’m dating someone who wants the same freedom, and we give each other permission to be what we are. Commit to your nature before you commit to anyone else and find someone who values you because of it, not in spite of it. That’s a better love story waiting to happen.

Love, Beastly

2 Comments

  1. Found the article interesting as usual. I been thinking of this issue but on the other end, as the person who may end up having sex with a cheater. I don’t want to be the other guy but also think at some time it is going to happen, like it or not. Just getting into the dating scene after a long time out of it. Was actually starting to get out more last year but the pandemic put a stop to that. This year is the first time I started using Grindr, Jack”d and Scruff. Do you have any advice on how to deal with someone who cheats and possible ways to avoid them as best you can? Right now if they don’t have a face picture or say they are discreet that’s a red flag. Other times it comes up directly or indirectly when we are having a conversation and I cancel. I don’t have an issue if they are up front and say their partner is fully aware of their side sexual encounters. Sometimes they say they play together, which I think is hot and would be open to.

    Like

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