Ask Beastly: Give Me a Break

Hallo! My name is Alexander Cheves, but lovers call me Beastly. I am an author and sex educator. I wrote a book, which you can buy here. Visit my Linktree to see everything else. 

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I think getting HIV from a positive man or woman would be sexy. Where to find them , I don’t know?

Howdy,

I get so many of these messages. So many. I never answer them — because they are not really what this blog is for, and because they open up an ethical can of worms.

I’m one of a very small number of kinky people who are friendly towards bug-chasers and bug-chasing, “friendly” in the sense that I believe it’s a legitimate and even understandable fetish, albeit one that is heavily tabooed and generally not welcome in the kink and fetish community. The sheer number of messages I get like this (at least once a month) that go unanswered proves to me something that will likely be no surprise to HIV-positive men everywhere: there are so many bug-chasers out there, men who fetishise my lifelong illness, the thing that killed a generation of people before me and continues to kill people like me every day.

People have strong opinions about bug-chasers. For many HIV-positive people, as well as for those who have loved and lost HIV-positive people, bug-chasing is so offensive, so angering, that they cannot set aside their personal, visceral reaction to see that, in many ways, it makes sense that HIV would be a heavily fetishized thing. Why do things become fetishes? We don’t really know, but it seems to have something to do with how humans process emotions like fear, shame, and revulsion. Our fetishes tend to fall around things that in normal society are taboo or secreted away: piss, poop, asses, butts, smells, spit. Men have fetishes for panties because most of us grow up taught to fear (and shame) femininity in ourselves. It would not be hard to argue — as some experts have — that a fetish is little more than how the human brain copes with something it finds frightening, difficult, or unbearable: it turns it into something erotic. Fetishes likely stem from fear and shame.

At least three generations of gay men have grown up in the shadow of AIDS. We have been taught to fear it. It has been depicted to us as the inevitable consequence of our promiscuity, as god’s judgment, as our “lot in life,” as our destiny. AIDS, then, becomes something rather mythic: the ultimate bogeyman, the ultimate branding as a hedonist, the ultimate punishment. So of course some would come to eroticise it. And many have. And since fetishes are things that emerge naturally, much like sexuality, and we have little control over them, I wonder why so many kinky people with wild fetishes like fisting and corporal punishment shame and damn bug-chasers as somehow being the only ones with a fetish they asked for. “How dare you choose that!” they nearly seem to say, as my father said to me about being gay.

So: bug-chasing is natural. It’s a fetish. No one asks for it. But like any other fetish, you have to live with it and make choices with it. I have many fetishes. Some I act on, some I don’t. Fisting is one I act on all the time, but because of its real risks, it requires careful choices and much thought. Bug-chasing does too. And its risks and dangers are far greater than fisting.

Quite recently, my friends in Atlanta mourned the loss of someone we all knew and loved — one of my friends, a friend to everyone — who was found dead in his bed, having died of pneumonia, asphyxiated in his sleep. A coroner’s report proved he had seroconverted (caught HIV) a long time ago and never once went to a clinic to get tested or start treatment: he died a preventable, horrible death. Because he was an active bug-chaser and HIV fetishist.

It’s unclear if he knew he was getting sick and wilfully committed a kind of long, drawn-out suicide for erotic purposes, or if he truly had no idea and just thought he had a bad cold. Who knows? But his death hurt and angered everyone. Every HIV-positive man who loved him — like me — broke down at the news and wished they could have been there to talk to him, take him to a clinic, and save him.

But you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. And that is why bug-chasing hurts us so much: because we battled this together and lost so many in the fight. The victory of medications and competent care that we have now came at a terrible, incalculable cost. We lost our fathers and brothers and partners.

And yet, it’s a real fetish. It kills, but it’s real. We can abide two realities if we’re smart: bug-chasing is deeply offensive, and yet many among us have the desire to do it. Both are true. So, what choices must you make? How must you proceed?

You must decide if this is something you actually want to do, or if you would be satisfied with role play, with pretending. If the latter, you can role-play a bug-chaser and gifter scenario with any willing sex partner without actually needing to find an HIV-positive, unmedicated person who will wilfully try to infect you.

If the former, you need to decide an action plan for when you get HIV. Will you be like my friend in Atlanta and someday be found dead in your apartment? Or will you be like me: a happy, healthy, HIV-positive man who can’t infect anyone because I’m on meds?

These are the risks you must weigh. Death or life. You choose.

Love, Beastly

Beastly , I just turned 23 in august and I’m a gay man in the third largest city in the US. I’ve always dated and played with men older than me and recently I’ve been trying to meet guys more my age. But I’m a pretty committed bareback top ( or really just a top ) and I’m on PrEP and get tested every two months. I’m newish to having regular sex but I feels like the guys my age here are really critical when I ask if they’re on PrEP. I’ve even had guys block me for bringing up the fact I’m on PrEP after berating me for being “ unsafe “. I’ve even tried explaining that there is no “ safe “ sex just safety practices and I’m just using my own safety protocols. I have never pushed going bareback on anyone I’ve just stated it’s my practice. PrEP is free here and it’s easy to get it from our gay clinics and even school clinics without even using your parents insurance if you’re still on it like I am. Should I put “ no condoms “ in my profile ? I think they’re a real turn off and it just feels easier. I don’t even watch porn with condoms. My friends are telling me I should just get over it and wear one to meet guys my age , but isn’t that compromising my own best sex life ? I haven’t had any real issues with gay guys who are in their late twenties and older with this. And any ideas about why guys my age range ( 20-24 ) are so being so shaming ?

Hey babe,

I’d be as explicit as possible. It’s baffling that there are gay and queer men out there who still shame PrEP users as being slutty and irresponsible. What is irresponsible about protecting yourself from HIV? Sure, you might get chlamydia more often than die-hard condom users. But chlamydia doesn’t kill. HIV does. You’re being quite smart while still enjoying the sex you like. If they are too young and immature to understand that, don’t fuck them.

I’d put “no condoms” or something like that on your profile. Absolutely. It will filter out the guys you don’t want and find the ones you do.

Love, Beastly

First, thanks for what you do. Your articles have helped me, so I’m hoping you can help me again. 

Lately I’ve wanted to take a break from sex. For one, I have a pesky fissure that’s been reopening on and off for months. (My doctors say it’s not serious and gave me a cream, but I’m still scared, any advice?) Even from a topping perspective though, I’ve been feeling disconnected or objectified by my partners, and because I really want something emotionally and romantically substantial with somebody, these experiences have been doing more harm than good for my heart. My problem is that I feel a sense of shame around taking a break because people around me talk about sex all the time, and they often ask me about my sex life, which makes me uncomfortable, so I pressure myself to go to bed with guys to fit in or be “normal.” I hope you don’t see this post as sex negative, but I was just wondering what your thoughts are for taking a little sex hiatus in a situation like this. If the right guy comes along and we emotionally click, then of course I’d love to go to bed with him, but I don’t see that person right now, and I’d rather focus on healing my body and investing in my hobbies than finding my next fuck, especially when it’s been making me feel so empty or sad lately. Have you ever had times like this in your life? Do you ever feel shame or pressure with respect to going a while without a hookup, voluntarily or otherwise? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Romantic Thot (he/him)

Hey Thot,

Only a sexually illiterate person would not understand your message. Babe, you should never go home with someone out of obligation. Every sexuality active person — myself included — takes breaks. In fact, I’d wager that the sex pros of the world — the really advanced, serious sluts — are well attuned to their bodies’ needs to know when they need longer breaks to focus on self, and they do. I do.

People read my work and think I’m a maniacal sex demon who’s fucking every three hours. I get messages from people like this a lot: “I love your work. When was the last time you got fisted?” They’re expecting something juicy — they want to ogle at my sluttiness like it’s a public performance — and are often disappointed when I tell them I had sex last week, or maybe the week before. But I’m a working 32-year-old with a full-time job and multiple assignments at any moment. I have a quiet, normal, bookish life. And I’m a sex pro. I’m good at this. When I go out, I go out. When I want it hard, I do it. I can fuck like an animal.

My sex life is made of little bursts of activity between long, quiet periods of work, focus, and self-care. I think it’s wise to take breaks — especially if you are not getting what you need out of sex and feel you need to put more time and energy into yourself, your mental health, or into the kinds of connections you need right now. That’s wisdom, babe. That’s being an adult.

There is no “standard” sexual frequency an adult should have. The amount of sex an adult can enjoy will change depending on their mood, energy, hormones, work, time commitments, relationships, and so many other factors (location, pets, sleep, income) that it’s impossible to say how much sex an “average” gay man has, or how often. There is no average. There is no normal. You should only do what you want and what feels right, and if you have friends that belittle or shame the amount of sex you’re having as either too much or too little, that shows nothing more than an immature understanding of sex on their part, and you should debate whether or not you want friends like that. Sorry to put that so bluntly — I’m sure your friends are lovely — but we all need people who enforce us, who encourage us to be ourselves, and who help us care for our own needs. It sounds like your friends aren’t doing that.

I don’t do any “involuntary” hookups. You should not either. That sounds awful.

Focus on the connections you need now. Sex is always there. It’s not going anywhere.

Love, Beastly