Gangbang

Hey cowboys, vixens, and sluts across the gender spectrum. My name is Alexander Cheves. Lovers call me Beastly. 

I answer questions on sex and life. To ask one, email askbeastly@gmail.com or use the contact form. All are published anonymously. 

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I have recently come to terms with being Bi. I am married to my wife, but that appears to be ending shortly. I have a huge fantasy about getting gang-banged. How do I do this as safely as possible? I live in the NYC area.

Hallo, 

By “safely” I think you mean “without getting an infection”. You want to avoid sexually-transmitted infections like gonorrhoea, chlamydia, syphilis, and the like. All sex involves some risk of catching an STI (sexually transmitted infection), but a gangbang is one of the higher-risk sex activities you can do, especially if you want it condomless (bareback). In a gangbang, STI risk is hard — impossible, even — to control. But, hey, that’s a gangbang. 

If you are very worried about STIs and want to avoid them totally, do not have a gangbang — bareback or otherwise. Part of the fun of having a gangbang is the risk. Many people enjoy the thrill of STI risk. It’s like Russian Roulette, but with syphilis and HIV. If you are HIV-negative, take PrEP. If you are positive, you already know a thing or two about all this. 

If you can live with some STI risk, have the gangbang and make everyone wear a condom. If you want it raw, do what most raw pig bottoms do: get a thorough STI check after the gangbang, then wait a few weeks and get another. Better yet, do a full STI screening before the gangbang to know you are clear and will not not be putting your sex partners at risk. 

All sex involves mitigating risk while doing what we love. Gangbangs are fun. I like them raw. If you want slutty bareback sex, adhere to the risk-reduction measures I discuss in this post, this post, and this post.

Love, Beastly

I am 58, fat, and with an average penis. I have always wanted to create porn, so I joined Pornhub. I just don’t know how to make the video clips as interesting as possible.

— Rev. Mark

Hi Reverend,

Welcome to porn. You included a link with your message, which I assume was to your porn content. I did not open it. I did not include it here with your message for readers to open. I debated this and will explain my reasons. 

Firstly, I felt uncomfortable opening a link from a stranger. I presume it was to your porn, unsolicited, but I truly have no idea. I assume it wasn’t a malware link or phishing spam. Second, I have a personal policy on this blog: I answer questions anonymously. Clicking on the link and seeing you would feel like breaking this rule. I would be looking past a curtain that separates me from my readers. With few exceptions, I write my replies from what I read in a message — not from someone’s body. I am not here to make estimations of how people look. The world does that enough. 

I maintain this curtain on my end, too. There are not many images of me on this blog. All my editors wish I would use my image as a more substantial part of my personal brand. I can think of a few noteworthy internet sex writers who do this, who don’t write well but have large followings because they sell their looks as part of the package. Call me old-fashioned, but I want my words to speak for themselves. I want my writing to be enough without my looks to sell it. 

So, I didn’t open the link. My reasons might be vague and unconvincing, but they are mine. 

All ages and body types are finding viewership on the internet thanks to egalitarian porn platforms like OnlyFans and JustForFans — and, I suppose, PornHub. I do not know how PornHub helps performers monetize their content, so I can’t say much about that, but I am glad the internet has opened the door for diverse performers. Congrats on starting porn and fulfilling a dream. 

I used to direct porn, so I find it very uninteresting. I watch very little and have little taste for it. The only porn I watch is extreme, hardcore, “amateur” fisting. (“Amateur” is what we call porn that is not filmed in a studio, but the fist pigs I watch are anything but amateur: they are professionals. Like world-class ballerinas and acrobats, they can do things with their bodies that few others can.) As a former director and rare porn watcher, I can say the only difference between good and bad porn is authenticity. If you can tell someone is acting, it’s bad. This applies to a lot of OnlyFans and JustForFans content, too. Playing with a buddy in your bedroom and filming it can feel just as contrived as a studio set and bad synth music. Most people know when they are watching “the real deal” — someone legitimately having fun and enjoying their body, not just performing. We love good “amateur” porn because, at its best, it feels like a hidden camera — we are watching something that would happen regardless if it was filmed or not. The janky, blurry, badly-placed camera is often hotter than the obvious tripod and ring light because it feels like the person you are watching doesn’t give a fuck. 

Authenticity is how you make content feel real. Like good writing, no one can teach you how to do this: you have it, or you don’t. There are sexy people out there who are terrible at porn because they don’t know how to stop performing and just fuck. Some of the greatest pornstars are not the most beautiful people: they just exude a naturalness and authenticity that makes them watchable and relatable.

A shortcut to authenticity is to not care too much about the quality of your videos. Don’t worry if they are interesting. Do what you want and — most important — have fun while you do it. The camera is part of your personal voyeuristic journey. It’s about you, not them. The camera is just there. It doesn’t matter. Just have fun, film it, and see what happens. 

Love, Beastly 

Dear Alexander, I wrote to you a few months ago about starting to explore my sexuality at age 70 after a successful straight marriage of 45 years. I hired an escort and sucked my first dick! It was wonderful. I chose an older escort because I am concerned about my weight, age, etc. Now I want to do a little more in my exploration, but my fantasy is the hot, muscular, hairy guy I would have gone after in my 20s. My first experience was very positive, but I am worried that another escort will judge me or not be interested. Having him perform, appear interested, and introduce me to more things is important to me. My first escort was really sweet and put me at ease, but I think I want the stud. Is that expecting too much? How do I find the right escort? What are the right questions to ask? Do I tell him about my weight (I’m heavy but not grossly obese) and age? Do I need to worry he will be grossed out when we are together? Thanks in advance.

— Jim

Hi Jim, 

Sex work can be tough to work your mind around, but you need to view it as a service industry, nothing more. You pay someone to fix your car. Every few months, you pay someone to clean your teeth. You pay a doctor to give you health checkups. Sometimes you go to a restaurant and pay someone to cook for you. These are service industries. Sex work is a service industry. While it’s nice to have a connection with your barber, it’s not mandatory: you’re paying them for something, and they provide a service in turn. 

A skilled sex worker will deliver the experience you want. They will not judge you or your body. Service quality varies — just as nail technicians and hairstylists vary in talent and ability — but that’s why we keep looking for better nail technicians and better hairstylists. People who buy sex don’t always have a great time, but they keep shopping. 

A major benefit of sex work is not having to deal with questions like this: Does he like me? Does he find me attractive? It does not matter if he likes you or finds you attractive. If you are courteous, respectful of his boundaries, and pay him his stated rate without any haggling, you will be seen as a good client, and he will be happy to meet you again. 

Like other service industries, rate and availability can be good indicators of a provider’s quality. If someone makes you book a month (or months) in advance, they are in demand, which means they are good. Cheap tattoos aren’t good and cheap sex isn’t good either: a good hooker will cost you. A professional will not haggle their rate. An expensive pair of jeans costs whatever is on the ticket. An expensive dick does, too.

When sex work advocates say “sex work is work,” this is partly what they mean: sex work is a job, just as legitimate as any other. In nearly all jobs, humans must interact effectively with people they would not necessarily spend time with outside of work. Sex work is no different. When I was a sex worker — which ended a few months ago after over ten years in the business — I had lovely clients. But I would not spend time with them outside of work. They were my work.

Finding a good sex worker might take time. In the process, you might pay for men who end up being lackluster. That’s okay. That’s part of any service industry. I have a hard time finding a good barber. I keep trying new ones. When I find a good guy, I stick with him. When you find a good guy that delivers the experience you want, stick with him and become a regular. Book him in advance, tip him when he does a particularly good job, and always thank him for his time. 

Love, Beastly