Ask Beastly: Text Him

My name is Alexander Cheves. Lovers call me Beastly. I write about sex. 

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Hi there, Beastly!

I’m sitting in front of a computer screen right now agonizing over whether or not I should message a man I was acquainted with years ago. I always found him to be an interesting person, but when we were acquainted circumstances were such that we didn’t really get a chance to get to know one another. Do you perhaps have any advice on reconnecting with people from one’s past? Have you ever tried to reconnect with someone you didn’t know very well in hopes of making a new friend?

Sincerely,
A Guy Feeling Uncharacteristically Awkward Right Now

P.S. I find your blog to be a breath of fresh air.

Hi, Guy.

I’m lucky. Every past boyfriend reached out to me, unexpectedly, to reconnect and make amends. I am so grateful they did. I understand the person you’re describing isn’t a past boyfriend. This is someone you wanted to know better and missed the chance to do so.

Go for it. Absolutely. Messaging him might feel strange, and it probably will be a little awkward, but what you have to lose is nothing and what you have to gain is everything. He’s not in your life now, and if he’s not interested or doesn’t respond, he’ll continue to not be in your life, and you’d be no worse off. But if he does respond, even if just to say thanks but no thanks, you at least will have had the courage to know for certain, and that’s better than going the rest of your life wondering, “What if?”. You will be able to say you were brave, you took the chance.

Be like my exes. Don’t be like me. I always assume old flames and past flickers won’t want to talk, and I’ve always appreciated people from my past when they reached out. I’ve found them to be incredibly brave and kind for doing so. In the past, I rarely had that bravery myself, but like you, I am working on it. And the only way to do that is practice.

I don’t have much experience reconnecting with past people, so I don’t know if I can offer much practical help. And here I must confess one of my worst flaws: I’m bad at communication, “out of sight, out of mind.” My friends go weeks without hearing from me. The long-term people in my life know that the work will fall on them to maintain communication — it won’t be me. So reaching out to strangers is not my forte.

If you try it and this person from your past doesn’t want to reconnect, you’ll have an answer, and that will be that. I am plagued by questions about people — guys I should have given more affection and honesty to, friends I should have been more engaged and present with, people I wish I had loved more. My “what if” list is long. It hurts. Like I said: don’t be like me.

Harvey Milk said this quote below. I can’t find exactly where or when he said it, but the internet seems convinced that he did, and it’s very beautiful:

Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone. Don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come. Don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now, and because they cannot regret this, and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love, but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is. That is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

Harvey Milk

Message your old flame. A good message, in this scenario, is just the truth. Not multiple paragraphs, not a page of text, but a paragraph about what you remember of him and why you are sending him this would be good. Say that you are nervous about sending it. Showing vulnerability is good. If he’s a good guy, he will see the bravery in your message even if he does not wish to connect. If he does not answer at all, that’s an answer. A kind person will answer, even if it’s just a polite “Thank you, but I don’t have the space in my life to build a new connection” or “Sorry, but I’ve left that time in my life behind and I hope you understand.” If that happens, you’ll be lucky, too: you’ll have an answer. You’ll know.

Love, Beastly