How to Write About Sex

I’M ALEXANDER CHEVES. LOVERS CALL ME “BEASTLY.” I AM A WRITER, AUTHOR, AND SEX EXPERT. I GIVE ADVICE — NO TOPIC IS OFF-LIMITS. TO ASK ME SOMETHING, EMAIL ASKBEASTLY@GMAIL.COM OR SEND A MESSAGE HERE.

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STAY SINFUL. — B

I recently have been toying with the idea of starting my own fetish sex positive blog, yet I’m unsure how personal I want to go into my kinky lifestyle. I have read a handful of your articles and must say great job! Your blog is simply amazing.

I am still relatively new to the kink scene and was hoping to make my blog about finally entering into a community of queer kinky men and women that I actually identify with as well as educating others on products and topics relating to fetish and kink. I don’t want my blog to be complete recount of my sex life, but yet want to use my sex life as examples to discuss topics like “finding a daddy/sir” “entering headspace” or “bore of vanilla sex”

All I was wondering is besides your blog, what other references or tips would you give a new fetish blogger wishing to document his own experience and have it framed in a way that readers would find interesting. 

Hey aspiring sex writer,

I’d advise against focusing on educational kink content, since a) you’re a beginner and b) that content is widely available everywhere. The most valuable content you have is your own personal experience and that is what people are interested in. They don’t want generic how-to articles. They want you. People connect to people.

This is why I nearly always answer my questions with a personal story from my life. I’m not just answering questions — I’m telling stories, sharing my thoughts and views, and building a character. The character happens to be me — the real me, actually.

But that doesn’t matter, because writing anything is filtering the “truth” — whatever that is — through your own subjective lens. You are essentially fictionalizing yourself. Fiction and non-fiction are arbitrary, meaningless terms. A great way to understand character building, even if the character is a real person (you), is to read great fiction. Lolita by Nabokov is a masterclass on how to create a complete and complex narrator who obviously isn’t real. Read La Nausée by Sartre, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, and Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes.

Again, steer away from teaching readers about kink, since, by your own admission, you know little about it. Instead, share your experience of kink. Personalize the kink. That’s an interesting blog!

When you get more practice, you’ll learn the artistry of disclosure and withholding. Readers don’t want to know every detail. Classic “new writer” syndrome is an attempt to show everything — to describe every moment, every step, afraid that if they don’t, readers will lose their place in the narrative. They won’t. You have to trust the reader. They can fill in the gaps. In fact, you never really need to describe any physical details in your writing unless they are relevant to the plot.

And remember: writing is re-writing. I re-write my best posts here dozens of times. You don’t want to know how many times they get rewritten. It’s embarrassing. “Dozens” probably undercuts the true number. And since I always write about personal stuff — typically in a rush of passion — I’ve learned to let new posts sit and breathe for as long as I can before publishing. Every time I publish something the day I write it, the post later looks horrible and I end up editing a few weeks later anyway.

If you fear the idea of personal details of your sex life winding up in front of your mother, do something else. Sex blogging is a forfeiture of privacy. Even if you use a fake name, people will find out who you are. Sex writing is not as life-altering as porn, but writing about your sex life is still risky to your family and loved ones. If you write about a boyfriend or partner without consulting them first, you can easily get dumped. I recommend keeping all currents relationships off the blog. I’ve not followed this rule perfectly and have reaped the repercussions of it.

A professor once said you can give someone the tools of language and get paragraphs, but you can’t teach voice. It’s true. If you have the voice, you have it. If you don’t, consider agriculture or tech, or go into a useful trade like repairing air-conditioning units.

Good luck.

Love, Beastly