Hey cowboy! My name is Alexander Cheves, but lovers call me Beastly. I am an author and sex educator. I wrote a book about my sex life — buy it here. My Linktree has everything else.
Send me your toughest questions. Email askbeastly@gmail.com or use the ASK BEASTLY tab.
The question queue is long (it can take a year for your question to be answered). To jump the line, join my PATREON. This blog is 100% reader-supported — there are no ads or paid posts.
My mission is to help gay men be happy. Your support helps.
I’ve read your stuff online and am currently rereading “My Love Is a Beast.” I am fairly new to kink and find daddy/sir -son/boy play particularly appealing. BTW I’m a dad, 68 years old. I have been in a 6-month-long relationship with a 38-year-old son. We have hit a rough patch and in the course of an extended text battle I made the comment, “Sometimes daddy needs aftercare as well.” He responded to me saying “Boys can’t be expected to take care of daddies in the same way. It’s the basis of the dynamic. Daddies get support from their peers.” (Side note here: my best friend of 35 years had just died that very day and he knew that, although in fairness to him, that was not the basis of the argument). I felt blindsided. Question: is it wrong to expect a daddy/son dynamic to be something of a two-way street?
Hey there,
I am sorry to hear about your friend. I can’t imagine such a loss.
You want my honest opinion, since you are writing in. I’ll give it, though it will likely rile some guys in the “daddy-boy” scene.
Fetish dynamics — like daddy-boy, dom-sub, master-slave, and so on — are pretend games. They are role play. They can connect to you on a deep level, much like cosplaying as your favourite superhero at a comic book convention can connect to you on a deep level, bring out your confidence, and reveal parts of yourself that you like — but it’s still cosplay, still pretend. A game should not trump human decency.
Too often, kinky people use this game, the roles of “dom” and “sub” (and, I’ll say it, this is especially true of dominant men), as cover and justification for what is simply bad behaviour: being a bad partner, bad person, bad friend.
I’m not saying your guy is doing that. But if he can’t recognise the human behind the role — the man (not the “daddy”) who is mourning and who needs care, love, and tenderness as much as anyone does — then he is getting too swept up in the role. Care and love should supersede the roles.
Because of course you are right. Of course. All humans need to break against someone — to be soft, held. You need your wounds licked. You need to be small sometimes, wrapped in someone’s arms. That’s true if you like dominant sex or submissive sex, if you’re a “slave” or “master,” if you’re a “daddy” or “boy,” and the really good slaves and masters in the kink world know this. They know how to incorporate tenderness into play and when to come up for air, step out of the roles, and be real people for a bit.
That is a mental health necessity. This is why I am rather opposed to 24/7, round-the-clock kink (like slaves that want to be slaves all the time to their masters, and to a less extreme extent, boys that always want to be boys). I simply don’t think living in an uninterrupted role play dynamic with someone else is good for the mind. Humans have proven across history that we dehumanise each other quite easily in the right conditions. 24/7 role play is the right conditions.
Let your guy read this. Because this reply is also for him. If he loves you, he should be willing to undertake the emotional labour of caring for someone and being a big spoon (mentally and physically) from time to time, because humans need that. If he’s just looking for someone to be a daddy with him, particularly in sex, that’s fine, but that means you can’t build a real, healthy relationship together: you can just be role-play buddies. You can meet up once a week or so to have a fun session or spend time together, whatever. You can’t grow together as real people, as to do so requires occasionally stepping out of the roles when someone just needs love.
Love, Beastly
This may sound silly, but… do you have any advice on bathhouse etiquette? I’ve never been to one, but one of my coworkers is a regular. Can’t say I’d have the confidence to go yet, but I’d rather know the rules and not go than show up not knowing the rules.
Not silly at all!
It’s a great question, one I wished people asked more, because bathhouse etiquette is actually quite complicated and so many people do not understand how to behave in public erotic spaces.
For clarity, I’ll define something: a “bathhouse” typically has private rooms that can be rented by the hour, or they have lockers where you store your stuff. Most have both. They typically have pools, jacuzzis, showers, and other watery things one typically expects to find at a house of bathing, and you are expected to walk around nude with a towel wrapped around your waist. Bring flip-flops.
In contrast, a sex club usually does not have private rooms for rent, though many do have lockers. A sex club is not a bathhouse: most gay sex clubs do not have pools or jacuzzis and you are not expected to get wet in them, so you don’t walk around in a towel.
Both typically have some private bathrooms and may have some private or semi-private spaces to play (have sex). In sex clubs, the sex is naturally more public, in front of everyone. Some bathhouses also have public play areas, but many have a dedicated play area and outside this area you may or may not be allowed to fuck around. Besides these differences, sex clubs and bathhouses often have similar vibes: similar lighting, similar music, similar cruising, and, if they’re for gay men, lots of sex.
Regardless if you are in a bathhouse or sex club, the rules of sex spaces (places where people are allowed and expected to play openly and publicly) are the same: two or more people playing in front of you or near you does not automatically include you in what they are doing. Public play is not an invitation to participate — it is, at most, an invitation to watch, and you should even stop that if they ask.
People do not seem to get this. But it’s a fact: sometimes a public place, like a bathhouse, is the only place two people can fuck. They might be married and have wives or husbands and kids at home. They might simply be unable to host at their places. So they meet in a bathhouse. The most annoying part of these spaces is the people who try to involve themselves when you are trying to focus on someone and are having a hot session just between the two of you. Sometimes gay men simply suffer this annoyance when there’s no other option. But this annoyance can ruin the play and kill the mood if people don’t take the hint and don’t stop trying to join in. Don’t do that.
The rules of consent matter even when people are fucking right in front of you. You are the in the same space but you still must get their consent to touch them.
It can be difficult to discern consent in spaces like this, to read body language, particularly when people are nervous and overwhelmed and might not know (or feel brave enough to do) what they actually want. So it’s best, always, to use your words, quietly (whisper), and be direct. “Can I fuck you?” “Can we fuck?” “I really want you to fuck me.” “Can I suck it?” Give people a chance to say a definite yes or no or make some gesture to initiate the encounter. If they do neither — if they don’t respond, turn away, do nothing — the answer is no. Do not try to make it happen with someone who has not given you an affirmative “yes,” head nod, or some other physical action indicating interest.
Basically, don’t be one of those grabby guys who seem to think that, by being there, everyone is free to touch. We don’t like those guys.
Unlike sex clubs, there are different levels of bathhouses: some are quite nice and not very sexual at all. Especially in Europe, there are many nude spas and bathhouses that are actually just bathhouses, places to relax and be naked. The rules at these places will likely be posted somewhere on the wall and will likely prohibit sexual activity. But if it’s a place with house music and posters of muscle guys on the wall, it’s a gay bathhouse for gay play. I recommend getting a room if you can, not just a locker: these spaces can be tiring and overwhelming and sometimes it’s nice to be alone for a bit. And rooms are a great place to bring someone if you want a hot session together without any grabby hands of strangers getting in the way.
Love, Beastly
Hi Alex,
I have been following you for a while, and I’m currently trying to read all your articles everywhere. I feel that you are inspirational, and I really appreciate it.
I’m not here to ask a question. I just wanted to tell you a story. I don’t know to whom else I should tell this. So, I just came back from a fetish night held by the local leather community in Milan. It was my first time with this kind of event, and I really didn’t enjoy it. I can’t help but think if it was because of my race. I’m southeast Asian btw.
I saw some people talking at the bar, so I tried to talk to them, which took me a lot of courage. I didn’t really get a good response, and I currently don’t feel good about myself. A person talked to me while trying to find a way to escape, you know, it showed that they were interested in something else. Others either didn’t hear me or pretended that they didn’t hear me. Some people were nice, but that was only very few of them.
That didn’t include the time when I tried to touch someone; to keep it short, I didn’t do anything during the event, just talked to some people and went around the venue basically. I didn’t even kiss anyone.
I don’t know, I just feel sad and really bad about myself now. I can’t help but think if this would always happen to me or if it was really just because I was there not at the right moment. I don’t know if I should try to go to their other events, I feel like I should give it another try, but I also don’t want to feel this way again.
I’m sorry, I know it’s too long, but I just wanted to tell you about this.
Thank you for reading.
Cheers,
— Kukuh (he/they)
Hey Kukuh,
Thanks for the kind message. I’m sorry you had that night. Yes, go to another event. And another. And another. Forever.
Why? Because you wanted to be there, you were drawn to it, and that means you belong. The only prerequisite to being in the leather community is having desire to be in it, to be drawn to it. Sometimes the crowd will be fun and receptive, sometimes not. Every gay man has nights that are blows to our confidence and make us feel unattractive. I have. But in time, my hope for all of us is that these nights get balanced out by good ones, by the nights when it clicks, when the gay gods smile on us and we have fun.
I don’t know what it’s like to be Southeast Asian in Milan and can’t speak from that experience, but racism is probably at play, to some extent, in every gay space all over the world. I hate that, but that’s real. And that’s not the only thing happening. In a crowd, a club, a bar night, whatever, there are a million tiny social events happening, most of which are unknown and unknowable to you and everyone else there. The two really hot guys who arrived together that everyone wants to fuck? They’re secretly going through a long, messy breakup and that’s why they’re mean and rude to everyone. The guy fucking everyone in the back? He’s high and won’t remember any of it. Some substantial percentage of the crowd is simply nervous — too nervous to be receptive to a nice conversation starter. Some percentage of the crowd is simply too drunk. Some guys are trying to avoid exes and avoid friends. Some guys are hunting for a particular person and no one else matters to them. Friends are looking for each other and friends are bickering. There are guys who are simply not nice to people who they have no interest in fucking, and there are guys who want nothing more than to make small talk with a stranger and who have little or no interest in sex. All this is happening in what looks like a group of people just hanging out, dancing, getting drinks.
A crowd on any night, in any place, is so unpredictable that even seasoned DJs and professional party promoters — and I know several — can’t fully predict how an event will go. Navigating all that as someone new to the space, who is hoping to have a good time, is, I admit, daunting. But you must keep doing it. You do it again and again and, gradually, navigating these spaces gets easier.
The wonderful thing is that, from all that chaos, with so many fears and insecurities at play, it’s a wonder gay events are enjoyable for anyone, so when they are — when you go home happy — you can’t predict that either. I go out a lot and still can’t. Sometimes the heavens open, the music hits, and suddenly you’re dancing and kissing a beautiful man you’ll never see again. When that happens, it feels like touching a blessing, a moment of life as brief and wondrous as a shooting star.
You will have better nights. Promise.
Love, Beastly
LOVE, BEASTLY 