The Evolution of a Slut

My name is Alexander Cheves. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex. I wrote a book.

Have a question? Email askbeastly@gmail.com or go here.

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**Beastly’s Note: This post had to be retitled because the original title had the word “f*ggot” in it (asterisk included) and WordPress, along with my social media accounts, did not like that. I proudly identify as a f*ggot, but the new, heavily-censored internet does not care about how I and many others identify.**

Hey there 🙂 I just read your article on happier, healthier bottoming for Out magazine because I was researching Prep H. You mentioned that you can have sex for hours and then go exercising the next day – how did you reach a point where you didn’t need to use Prep H anymore? Just from experience? Even though I’ve bottomed for six years, I’ve never used it before and generally don’t have a noticeable challenge with swelling—I struggle a lot with tearing instead. But since I’m currently recovering from a tear that is inflamed I thought I would look into Prep H. Would love to hear tips from you on why you don’t need it anymore!

Howdy,

That article is several years old. Anything I wrote about my body and my sex then is probably no longer true. My sex and body have evolved.

I actually recommend using a anti-haemorrhoid rectal suppository after a night of bottoming (or any kind of ass play). If you can’t find suppositories, which should be available at your local drugstore, any generic anti-haemorrhoid cream or ointment applied rectally will do, and most drugstores sell anti-haemorrhoid ointment. Most bottoms I know use some kind of cream or ointment like this after a fun night to reduce swelling, mitigate tears, and heal tissue that is inflamed and irritated (in the case of fisting, quite unavoidably, as fisting is literally tissue trauma – pleasurable, wonderful, beautiful, controlled, gradual traumatisation of rectal tissue).

If you struggle with tears, I don’t think anti-haemorrhoid cream will be enough. Repeated tears mean you are too tight. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from fisting, it is this: Injury happens when you are not relaxed and your muscles are resisting what is happening to your body. Resistance in the mind and body means the muscles are rigid and the stretching taking place in your hole is being forced rather than welcomed. The path to relax more and prevent tears is twofold: slowly train with butt toys by yourself on a regular basis until you can comfortably take big ones without much effort or pain, and try breathing and meditation exercises that can help you learn to control your breath, relax your body, and invite the sensation of being stretched and opened.

Always listen to the subtle messages in your mind and body and not try to overpower them. A sex partner can be perfect on paper, can tick all the boxes you want in a sex partner, but if the mind says something is off – even quietly – then sex should probably stop. The presence of resistance in the mind and body is not something to be fought, but rather something to be heeded. This is why drugs are so risky: they overpower the mind and body’s subtle messages, gut feelings, inner voices, and so on. I enjoy sex and drugs and they are great fun when put together, but an unavoidable aspect of playing with chems is a higher risk of injury.

If you learn to listen to your mind, be attentive and attuned to the needs of your body, train your hole, and give yourself adequate aftercare for your hole (which can and probably should include Preparation H or some other anti-haemorrhoid product), I promise the tears will happen less frequently.

Love, Beastly

Dear Alex,

I’m a kinky gay man. I am already out as gay, but I’ve been feeling more and more strongly the urge to confront my fetishes and explore this part of my sexuality. I want to try things. To have sex with lots of people (possibly at the same time), to be used, to be a slut (possibly a good slut), to be bound, to be a leatherman, to be a drone, to be myself.

But I’m also scared. Of lots of things: of STDs, of losing myself (which is ironically one of my kinks!) or becoming addicted to it and losing control on the rest of my life (which is definitely not one of my kinks), of ending up in terrible or dangerous situations, or trusting bad people, of not being able to put healthy boundaries, of being found out and exposed.

Part of me still judges people who do such things as irresponsible. Maybe I kinda think that all of this is pornography’s fault. What would my parents think? And my straight friends? But sometimes I want to be allowed to be bad, too. I’ve been having these fantasies since I was a teenager, and there must be a safe way to explore them. There is nothing morally wrong with sex.

I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, because in the way you talk about sex and kink I see myself. I’ve also read your amazing book.

I’m not sure about what would be the right question to ask you. Maybe resources, such as books or YouTube channels of other fellow sluts, to hear about their experiences and how it was for them to figure themselves out. Maybe just reassurance. Maybe some tips on how to go around this.

Best wishes

Hi friend,

Thank you for reading my book, and for reading this blog. You are right, there is nothing morally wrong with sex. You can know this and still struggle with fear. Fear is part of the allure of many kinks and fetishes, including many you describe, and some fear is good. It makes sex more fun. But too much fear will ruin your sex life.

I am not the best person to ask for resources. I stay pretty insular: I focus on my advice and don’t often follow other advice-givers. That’s probably an awful thing to admit, but I am this way for the same reason that one of my best friends, a jewellery designer, doesn’t follow other jewellery designers: because doing so is distracting, invites comparisons, and influences me in ways I sometimes don’t like. In her Masterclass video, Anna Wintour, the famous editor-in-chief of Vogue, said that a creative mustn’t pay too much attention to “what is happening on the left of you or the right of you or you will lose that clarity of thought.” I am paraphrasing the quote as I remember it, but that is no small statement from someone who has worked with countless talented artists and globally-recognised designers. Following what others do, in one’s own milieu or otherwise, erodes the gifts of originality and impulse. I focus on my art and am very selective about which artists I give any time or attention to (to avoid comparisons, I mostly focus on writers and artists that are already dead).

However, I am a reader, so while I can’t necessarily recommend any sex podcasters or online educators, I can recommend a few books:

Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cecilda Jetha

The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Sex Outside the Lines and Rebel Love by Dr. Chris Donaghue

Babe, you’re a faggot like me. You want to do all these things. You want to do them shamelessly. You want to enjoy them. So do them, and while you do them, take necessary steps to mitigate health risk. Get a good doctor. Get STI testing regularly. That’s it.

All this hand-wringing is nothing more than cultural shame you’ve been taught, and you are directing it back at yourself. Shame is not easy to overcome, but let’s break it down into a simple question: How long can you go debating internally over whether or not you should do all this while your body craves it? The body wins. Always. I promise. People submit to desire, then feel bad about doing so, then submit again.

If seeking pleasure is a foregone conclusion – if submitting to your kinks is something that will happen eventually – then it is accurate to say that all this internal debate over whether or not you “should” do this is needless and irrelevant. You might as well adjust to the reality that this is how you are wired, and reorient your life within the reality that these desires are part of you and are here to stay. You might as well enjoy them, learn how to work with them, learn how to explore them as safely as possible, and just start. The evolution of a slut starts with a lot of uncertainty, a lot of desire and fantasy, and a little courage. In a few years’ time, you will be a bit more grounded and confident in your kink life and you will be glad you finally stepped in.

Love, Beastly

Dear Alex,
I am an ethnic man of 25 years in the UK. I am Christian, I have body issues, I have loose skin. I won’t go into it too much, I know you understand the potential thoughts that emerge. But, I’ll get to the point , I want to explore kink; the leader, bondage, daddy/son roleplay one – I smirk and giggle as I type this, what has led me to this point. I suppose, how do I begin, where does safe exposure start and what does it lead to?

Too add, I struggle with my dark fantasies. I have feelings of guilt, of hurt, and confusion. I am not the same as the people I interact with, or used to – I need a sense of new community. I thought about it today, I have accepted that I will have an eventual feeling of displacement, if I decide to immerse myself 100% into this new ‘season’ (as evangelicals put it).

Too much put here, too many thoughts.. I need a daddy, I suppose.

PS: Will you release an e-book/kindle version for the discreet?

Cuddles

Hi Cuddles,

It is unlikely that I will release an e-book version of My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, though I will almost certainly do an audiobook. My publisher has the final say on these matters, so I will do whatever my publisher says. So far, my publisher has not suggested an e-book.

On to your message: Right now, you need to do away with all assumptions about how this season will unfold for you. You truly do not know enough about the kink and leather community, or about daddy/son role-play, to set any realistic expectations. Kink ended up being vastly different from what I thought it wold be like at the beginning of my kink journey – it was better, but different. I was scared of it, so I created assumptions and expectations about it, most of which ended up being wrong. That is what you are doing now.

Where to begin? I always tell people to start with the internet – which is what most people do – and do whatever you can to get to the nearest kink event. That’s it.

Kink events happen all over the country. Some noted ones are the Folsom Street Fair and Up Your Alley Weekend in San Francisco, International Mister Leather in Chicago, Mid-Atlantic Leather in Washington D.C., Folsom Europe in Berlin, and so on. But those are the big ones. There’s probably an Eagle or some other gay leather bar in the city closest to you that has smaller weekly or monthly events on its calendar.

You might need to research if there is a gay campground nearby that might have kink events in the warmer months. The closest kink event is probably closer than you think. In Berlin, where I am now, the magazine Siegessäule has a monthly calendar of kink and fetish events published online and in print. Something kinky in this city is happening every week, usually every single day. So yes, you might have to travel and spend some money on a travel ticket or hotel room, but it’s worth it. I knew I was kinky for a long time, but I first truly connected with my kinks and positioned myself as a member of the kink community (albeit a novice one) when I finally arrived at an in-person event where I was surrounded by other kinky people. I had to go to an in-person event to make that happen. It changed my life.

In-person events still change my life. Every time I feel disconnected from my kinks or weary of them (or scared of them) I take it as a sign that I need to go to the next in-person kink event with no expectations and an open mind, and just experience the people there. I don’t even have to have sex with anyone there: I just need to be there among them, maybe make a few connections, get a phone number or two or follow some folks on Instagram. In-person events help me meet real people, and those people matter. In-person kink events heal me and reconnect me to my tribe. They will do the same for you.

So that’s a good way to start. From that first interaction – online or, even better, in person – your journey will grow in unforeseeable ways. You cannot predict where it “leads to”, but if the millions of happily kinky people all over the world offer any kind of prediction, it is that your journey will probably lead to good and healthy things, not bad things.

You cannot know what a season of growth will lead to. That is why it’s a season of growth: it teaches you. If you go into it assuming that you will feel “eventual displacement” then that is what will happen. New experiences tend to be dictated by our expectations. So try to go into this season of life with only a sense of wonder and curiosity. Explore these desires without trying to quantify, judge, or explain them. You can analyse yourself later, after you’ve had fun, not before.

Love, Beastly