Going There

My name is Alexander Cheves. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex. I wrote a book.

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Hey. I wonder, is it you that wrote this article (https://www.advocate.com/sexy-beast/2018/10/19/gay-flirting-guide-26-ways-master-lost-art#media-gallery-media-1) If so, I have a couple of questions.

The situation is extremely weird. I am from Norway myself, and I met a Greek guy on an online forum. I am 24 myself, and he is 18, but he thinks it’s all good with the age. The thing is. We have never talked in person because he says he is shy, and so am I. But we really want to meet, even tho I feel like he is a little skeptical about it. He was really in for it for 1-2 months time, but then he realised the distance would be a problem, so he kinda blocked his feelings out. I still like him very much, and we snap each other almost every day. Anyway, we won’t be able to meet until May/June most likely because of Covid. Also, it hurts extremely bad for me, because when I hopefully finish my bachelor’s in 2 1/2 years’ time, I REALLY want to move to Greece. It has always been a dream of mine to work with traveling and marketing for traveling companies in Greece, but he doesn’t quite seem to believe that as an opportunity. So my question is; what is the best way to talk to him about meeting/convince him to do so (I will travel to him, he just has to find time, but I feel like he is a little skeptical about it), and further on, maybe give the whole thing a shot, considering my dream has always been to move to Greece?

Very weird question. But it hurts and I think about it a lot. I really want to meet him and try to make it work if it feels natural of course. We gotta meet in the first place and take it from there, and then I have to convince him that it might actually work. I can deal with a long-distance relationship for 2 1/2 years. I will have the possibility to visit him a lot and talk to him on the phone every day.

Hello there,

Yes, I wrote that article. Based strictly on the information you have shared, yes, I’d say the distance will be an issue. There is nothing weird about your question, but the chances of this working out are slim, and I think you might be setting yourself up for more hurt.

If you must convince someone to date you — long-distance or otherwise — that does not bode well for a relationship. You deserve more than someone who must be convinced that an adventure with you is a good idea. If I were you, I would take his cooled communication (or whatever he is doing — or not doing — to make you feel he has “blocked his feelings out”) as his final answer: no.

I do not encourage long-distance relationships, and I would never suggest moving to a new country for someone you don’t know, at least not without having spent substantial time with them in person first. The best you can do now is plan a vacation to Greece and ask him to meet up with you once you’re there. If he says no to that, you will truly have an answer: he doesn’t want this. And if so, you should still do the trip and explore an amazing place without him. His loss.

Long-distance relationships (LDRs) work best when you have spent some time together in the same place — going on dates, having sex, and building a relationship — before life circumstances force you apart. Many things force couples to transition to LDR: work opportunities, visa issues, education, military service, and so on. And even these couples, who have the benefit of knowing that their relationships work in-person, often fail to weather long periods apart. LDRs at their most successful (and I think their success rate is pretty low) are temporary periods of separation bookended by time shared in the same place.

LDRs need endpoints — deadlines you can circle on a calendar for when you plan to be back together. If you pursued this dream, you would be starting a relationship with long-distance and would not be able to give him a deadline for when you will be living in Greece, because you don’t know that. A relationship with him is not an impossible outcome, but the elements needed to build a solid relationship are simply not here, so the odds are against it. You don’t know what work opportunities will appear when you finish your education. You don’t know if you will be able to move to Greece quickly.

None of this is to discourage you from traveling or immigrating to another country. I am just trying to help you see this situation for what it is: a possibility that could only happen if he was equally curious and giving you a “Hell yes, let’s do it!” vibe, and it does not sound like he is doing that.

Some readers will dislike what I’m about to write, especially those who are in regular romantic communication with people they’ve not met in person, but here it is: I believe a relationship can only start at an in-person meeting, and I think regular in-person time — IRL, not over the phone or online — is necessary for sustaining one.

Otherwise, you’re just connected to the idea of someone — to their profile, their avatar, their facsimile. People misrepresent themselves online, and not always maliciously; most of us simply try to present an idealized version of ourselves. And who wouldn’t? Who doesn’t want to look their best on the punishing global internet? But our web selves are not real. You can only start to know and love someone after you’ve sat down with them, looked in their eyes, and talked for hours.

Yes, you might be able to travel frequently, but you are not currently in Greece, which means you are not able to build a foundation with him before putting it under the strain of distance. And moving to a new country for someone you don’t know might feel to him a little too trusting, perhaps a little eager and advantageous (you have stated that your dream career is in Greece, specifically). If I were him, I would have likely “blocked my feelings out” too if I thought someone was seriously considering moving to my country in order to date me.

If working in Greece is your dream, you should pursue that dream. Again, I am not trying to dissuade you or anyone from traveling or pursuing a job you desire. I only want to caution against setting expectations of strangers — people you don’t know and who are truly unknowable. You have to go there to know him, and only if he agrees to meet. It is wise for everyone to remember that even though social media facilitates an unprecedented amount of communication between people from separate parts of the globe — something that has never existed before in the long history of our species — it is not and never will be a replacement for in-person human interaction. It is a website, not a world.

Love, Beastly

I’ve discovered an unusual sexual fantasy that I’ve not been able to find any information on. We all know what necrophilia is, but what would you call the fantasy of being the corpse in a necrophiliac scenario? It’s almost like the ultimate rape fantasy, where you can’t fight back because you’re dead. To be clear, I’m not suicidal nor do I wish to die. But imagining my dead body being taken advantage of sexually has become my new go-to fantasy while masturbating. What would you call that?

Hello,

Your fantasy will sound gruesome to most people reading this, but you will find no shame or judgment here. Your fantasy is probably more common than you think. It plays into the “can’t say no” and “can’t fight back” element that exists in many fetish practices — like extreme bondage, rape fantasy, mummification, and so on.

I don’t think the definition of necrophilia is specific to being the active (top) partner in a sexual scenario, though this is a moot point: a dead body cannot have a fetish or act on one, so only the living partner in necrophiliac sex can be said to enjoy necrophilia, which is the fetish for having sex with corpses. So strictly speaking, you’re a necrophiliac — you just fantasize about it being done to you, not the other way around.

(Beastly’s Note: a very kind reader has some additional info that you might find useful which was shared with me after this post was published. “Your necrophiliac reader might be interested in somnophilia — the fetish for having sex with or while sleeping (on the sleeper’s side of it). It isn’t quite being dead, but it’s act-outable ethically. My partner also has heard of people doing a deep meditation after going through an ice bath to simulate being a corpse.”)

You must know this already, but necrophilia is a taboo (and, in most parts of the world, illegal) fetish and is considered a mental illness by many mental health experts. I am not a mental health expert, so I won’t weigh in on whether or not I think a fetish can be an illness, though I have stated elsewhere on this blog that I believe a fetish is as naturally occurring as one’s sexual orientation — no one can help it if they have one. Even so, many fetishes are not culturally sanctioned and, if acted upon, could land you in jail for the rest of your life — necrophilia being one of many — so if you fantasize about this scenario regularly, consider talking to a therapist about it. You’ve said that this is just a fantasy, just a strange erotic dream you’ve had, but if you think you might ever want to really go there, you should have a professional available to talk to.

A good, progressive therapist will agree with me on this: fantasies are not actions. People can have sordid dreams that have no corresponding behavior in the real world. No one can be indicted for a fantasy — not even an extreme or taboo one. In the United States, we do not criminalize thoughts, though some cases in recent years have put this to the test and have illuminated the potentially blurry line between harmless role-play and premeditated violence. You cannot go to jail for thinking something, but you can go to jail for possessing certain kinds of pornography, and your activity online can be tracked and flagged. Assume somebody knows every website you visit, because they do, and this information can be easily obtained should you ever appear in a court of law.

I do not shame fetishes, not even taboo ones, and I’ve tackled questions on this blog about various taboo fetishes before. But I always encourage readers with extreme fetishes — along with everyone else — to talk to a therapist. Therapy is good for everyone.

Love, Beastly

Hi Handsome,

I am planning to go to Folsom Berlin next weekend.
I want to be a cum dump and collect as many loads as I can.
Any suggestions for how should I search for guys? Grindr? Or any other app?
Or a specific place to go?

Hugs, John

Hi John,

You and me both. But I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news if you’ve already made your travel plans: Folsom Berlin 2022 happens in three weeks, not next weekend. I will be there too.

I cannot say for certain what websites and apps will work best in Germany to fulfill your fantasy, though from my personal experience, I can say BBRT and NKP are better for getting anon loads than apps like Grindr and Scruff. And since it’s Folsom Europe, Recon should be pretty active.

(Beastly’s note: A kind reader, presumably one who lives in Germany, offered this helpful additional info after this post published. “On the cum collecting side, piggy Berliners use the Buddy app/portal for these and in general the gayromeo is a German staple of an app.” My thanks to all readers who comment on posts with additional info. I very often add reader-submitted info to the relevant post, so please keep commenting with info to help your fellow hedonists.)

Some of the most impressive load counts I’ve seen have been generated by cum dumps with big Twitter followings who post open calls for loads on Twitter several days in advance. Do not post your address in a Tweet — tell tops to DM you.

I am not a Berliner (yet) so any advice I give on where to go to get bred like the pig hole you are will not be not as useful as simply going a few days early and talking to your fellow homos, which is one reason why I’m flying there this Monday. Best of luck to both of us.

Love, Beastly