My name is Alexander Cheves. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex. I wrote a book.
Have a question? Email firstname.lastname@example.org or go here.
This site is supported by readers — not ads. Visit my Patreon to support my work and get xxxtra special perks.
Hey man. I just read your article on Advocate and found it really interesting. I’ve been interested in FTM men for a bit now but have never hooked up with one. If you don’t mind, may I ask how different it is from hooking up with a cis man?
I don’t think one can make broad statements about sex with certain groups of people: that’s sticky, slippery ground.
All people are different, regardless of their parts or gender, so each person will be a unique experience. Remember that. Every time you have sex with someone new, you are discovering a whole new person. Everyone is a mystery.
As I suggest in the article you’re referencing, you might have to ask him questions about how you should refer to his parts — but that’s equally true for cisgender folks, too. For example, I am a straight, cisgender man who regularly asks other straight, cisgender men to call my butthole a pussy. Some cisgender men hate the word “cock” (men of color, in particular, tend to bristle at the word) and prefer “dick”. Some cisgender women hate the word “pussy,” others hate “cunt” — and some like both. So it’s a good idea to always ask a new playmate how to refer to their body — and to tell them how you would like them to refer to yours.
This can be a hot, quick, casual conversation. I love asking guys what words they like to use. It’s hot to hear a guy say he prefers “cock” over “dick,” or prefers “boycunt” over “pussy,” or whatever.
Words are erotic triggers. They are turn-ons. With trans men, the words they use will help you know how to please them and what to say to turn them on. Besides that, sex is sex — it’s weird and wonderous, awesome or icky, and can go either way with anyone. Sometimes there’s chemistry, sometimes not. Sometimes sex is lackluster, and sometimes it’s mindblowing. Keep an open mind, ask questions, be honest, tell him what you want, and ask him what he likes. The rules don’t change because someone is trans: respect, consent, curiosity, openness, asking, listening, and using enough lube all matter in good sex.
Hi Alex. Love your work and that all do bring people together around sex and sexuality. I have come a long way personally however the reason I am writing is to ask if you have tracked the strong trend of FTM GAY porn. From some web stats it seems like this is growing and really popular. I had never given it thought 8 months ago and now I am totally addicted. My preferred go-to stuff. Specifically, I have realized that the attraction to these trans men is not about genitalia. They still have female parts. Fuck that they have pussies. All the rest of them are so hot and it’s their totality and attitude that I find so hot. Who knew it’s not about the D, for me anyway. Am I an anomaly? ( some gay friends are on board, some totally reject it) what has been your personal response? Would love you to dig into this when and if you feel it is worthwhile. PS I went a step further and hooked up with a trans man. Blew my mind, someone who has never had sex with a woman or even been in the vaginal vicinity. 🤷♂️. Cheers, and keep all your good stuff coming.
PS. Sex was great possibly because I did not fetishize the guy or his body
You are not an anomaly. Lots of people are attracted to trans men. Also, lots of people are attracted to cisgender men. And lots of people are attracted to nonbinary folks.
There’s nothing anomalous about an attraction to trans men because there’s nothing anomalous about trans men. They’re just men, though some have different parts than cisgender men. No big deal. The only way to make it a big deal is by thinking it’s a big deal.
It sounds like you might be fetishizing transmasculine bodies a little bit, but if they (and you) get great sex out of it, so what? I’ve not yet grasped the ire against the fetishization of certain bodies. There are many curvy women out there who profit — via OnlyFans, escorting, and more — from the fetishization of fat bodies. A more ethically murky example: many gay and bisexual men of color profit — via OnlyFans, escorting, and more — from the fetishization of Big Black Dick. If they benefit from the fetish and are okay with (and enjoy) it, where’s the problem?
I can’t know if people who fuck me are fucking me because they fetishize white guys with big butts — and frankly, I don’t care, so long as the sex is good. Some people fetishize nurses, others fetishize cops and people who wear uniforms. Some people fetishize big feet, others fetishize people with disabilities. I’ve read ethical arguments on all these fetishes, but at the end of the day, a person can’t control if they have a fetish. Fetishes are as natural as sexual orientation, and there’s not much to do about it if you have one. Some fetishes can’t be satisfied without breaking the law. But one does not choose to have a fetish, so the handwringing over the relative “goodness” or “badness” of one — over its ethics — is needless.
Some people fetishize HIV, and their fetish has caused ample ethical debate. But an HIV fetishist has just as much control over his fetish as someone who fetishizes trans men. You are able to satisfy a fetish for trans men in a way that is more culturally sanctionable: you can have great sex — and, hopefully, great relationships and friendships — with trans men (and by knowing them and befriending them, you can come to see that they are much more than their gender or parts — that they are, in fact, full and complex people, like us all). A man with a fetish for HIV — or something more taboo, like a fetish for underage people — cannot satisfy his fetish in a way that most people would condone, and so he has harder choices to make. But he is just as un-free, just as beholden to his nature, as someone with a shoe fetish or a fetish for balloons.
Humans cannot change their desires. What we do with them — what choices we make to live with them — are where the ethical debate becomes necessary. But a fetish on its own is neither ethical nor unethical — it is a natural, neutral thing. No one is damnable (or mentally ill or “wrong”) for having one. Actions — not desires — define the relative goodness or wickedness of a person.
All that is a long way of saying that it’s okay if you fetishize trans men, so long as you treat them (and everyone else) with respect. Try asking the next sexy trans guy you meet on a date. Enjoy where your desires take you.
Hey, was wondering if you might have tips for how to find kinky friends to play with? I don’t love having to find random kinky people on Grindr but I have a hard time creating repeat hookups. Are there other places to look? I know Twitter can be one but I am not super comfortable posting photos on here.
Meeting people is the hardest part of being a sexual adult. It is something I am still figuring out, and I’m pretty good at this. Sex is easy compared to the task of finding people to have sex with.
I still use apps — Grindr, Scruff, Recon, and so on — and for fisting, I sometimes use AssPig.com. All the apps and websites really suck. The only app that I’ve been impressed by lately is Feeld, which is truly everything I’d want in a hookup app — if only more people were on it.
Most apps and websites are draining and time-consuming, and more often than not, the experiences they foster are lackluster. I rarely find great sex partners on them.
But what are my options? I don’t drink much, so my bar life is limited. I don’t play on a gay sports team — I don’t have time — so I don’t meet men that way. I work from home, so I don’t make friends and connections through work, which is how most adults make friends.
Kink, as you know, complicates things. I love fisting, and fisting, despite its growing popularity, is still a niche scene. How best to meet people who are on the fringe (fisting) of a fringe (queer men)? The answer depends on where you live, what websites you’ll use, what spaces you’ll visit, and what you’re looking for (you can chat with kinky people online, but IRL is harder to find).
Twitter has become a popular way for kinky folks to meet — especially if you’re on OnlyFans or JustForFans and can sweeten the deal by making content that will (hopefully) earn you both more followers (and, thus, more money). All sex is transactional on some level — you are, if nothing else, trading pleasure for pleasure — and for OnlyFans and JustForFans performers, sex can be both a fun time and a short-term business partnership.
But in order to gain access to all that, yes, you have to be willing to post nudes and build a following. I’ve not been willing to devote much work to that — I prefer the “escort” side of sex work and have never considered myself a porn star — so Twitter has never been a big hookup tool for me either. I suppose some guys who don’t do OnlyFans and JustForFans also use Twitter to meet others, but most people posting nudes on Twitter seem to be using the platform to promote their premium content, accessible via a subscription site.
I don’t know what kinks you have, but try Recon and, if you’re into fisting, AssPig.com — though be aware that these sites are just as dispiriting as the apps. None can guarantee you repeat hookups.
My favorite place to find people is at my local leather bar — Eagle NYC — but I’m growing tired of all the cash I’ve dropped on drinks I don’t finish, so it’s hard to keep going out. But I’ve long maintained that IRL spaces (as opposed to apps and websites) foster better connections and lead to better sex, and this has consistently been true in my life.
Close your phone or computer and go hunting in the wild.