Shame Is Cancelled

My name is Alexander Cheves. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex. I wrote a book.

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Feedback post 🙂 — B

Alex, Geez in some ways we are so incredibly different, in some ways just exactly the same. I am older, I was married to a woman and had four amazing young men. But 4 years ago I separated from my wife, in peace, and started my new life. Maybe it’s a little cliche but I kissed (fucked/sucked/connected)with a lot of “frogs” until I found a prince. His name is Chris, and we are married and having sex every which way we can and it is incredible. I have never in my life felt so comfortable with my ass, my cock, and most importantly with my love as I do now. I’m writing just to say thank you for just being real and putting yourself out there so courageously! 10 Tips for Gay Sex… I wish I had seen that 10 years ago! Just seeing your strength now is so inspiring you give me hope for all future young men trying to find their way. I wish I had the courage that you have, but I’m *so* grateful that you are there speaking your truth. I hope in these crazy times you are well, loved, safe. My very best. Kent

Hi Kent,

That message is kind and generous. I am glad that the old video is still reaching folks. It sounds like your story has come to a great place. Many congrats on getting there and finding the courage to be yourself.

Love, Beastly

Just read some of your articles in Them and they were so reassuring and validating with so many aspects of gay sex that I have been feeling + wondering about — thank you!

You are very welcome.

Love, Beastly

Hey Alexander,

I just want to tell you that I’m reading your blog and I really like it. It has helped me a lot with understanding what I like and accepting some things that were not part of my education like being a sub bottom who likes to be tied up. I was so ashamed years ago. Now I talk about it with some closest friends. I’m just not sure if it’s a criteria that I should look for when I date a guy. I don’t know if I’ll be able to be in a relationship without this sex part that I love to discover.

I just read an article about the age difference, I always have better chemistry with older guys, I met recently a guy of 57 and I am 26. I really like him. Should I stop at that and see him as a sex partner? 

You’ve said also something about open relationships, I’ve never been in one so for sure I don’t see that as an option but honestly more I grow up more I see that as an opportunity because I like rough sex and my future partner won’t necessarily like that. I’m starting to learn that sex and love can be two things but honestly, it’s hard for me to have really good sex without feelings.

I don’t expect answers from you. I have friends, and I see a therapist, but just thank you. You made sex a discussion, something not taboo and I’m proud to be not afraid to talk about it. It’s so taboo in my family. My brother discovered it by seeing one of my toys and he was so shocked haha but whatever I’m happy I discovered myself through that.

Thank you!

Have a good one 

If you ever come to Montreal let me know! 
I will show you around!


Hi Thomas,

I am glad you’re winning the internal shame battle. It is not an easy fight, and getting on the other side of shame is never a one-time victory. We must keep fighting shame, and you’ll find shame in unexpected places years later and have to battle it all over again. But every victory over shame makes us happier, healthier, and better. There is no such thing as “good shame.” Shame is always toxic, unhealthy, and ineffective. It helps no one, heals no one.

If you’re planning to stay monogamous, yes, you will need to make kink a requirement of future relationships. But if you choose to explore non-monogamy and open relationships, that changes. I do not have kink relationships as “primary” relationships — in other words, I do not date dominants. I do this because I do not believe in 24/7, round-the-clock fetish roles, and to date a dominant would make me feel like I must constantly stay in submissive headspace.

I would encourage you to explore non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships. My longtime open relationship has been the most exciting and rewarding part of my journey.

Love, Beastly

Saludos Alexander, solo para decirte que acabo de leer tu nota en ADVOCATE sobre los 25 Tips para Fisting… me aclaraste tantas cosas y me animaste a buscar mi placer en el fisting. Gracias, gracias, gracias…

¡Disfruta del fisting! Gracias por leer.

Love, Beastly

Hey Alex. I love your writing. Can you unfollow racist human garbage can @kage_markus

Hi there. Thanks for reading. So, it’s a little odd to ask someone to unfollow someone else. My follows are not endorsements, just follows. I followed racist human garbage Donald Trump for a bit, just because as a journalist it was good to be updated on his latest tirades. I’m looking at this performer’s page and don’t see anything immediately racist; can you point me to examples?

Sorry if I’m intruding, I didn’t know if you had seen anything he’s posted yet. @CanceledGays has a whole thread if you need to see it.

Thanks for sending. @CanceledGays is absolutely terrifying. We abandoned pillories in medieval times because they were cruel and unjust. I’m an anti-racist, trans-uplifting, anti-Capitalist, pro-abolition, anarchist sex worker who has no patience for racist, transphobic people…but no one needs to be publicly shamed in a progressive climate, or we become the very censoring, policing entities that have so long oppressed us — and continue to do so. Thanks for the message, but I’ll decide who I will and will not follow. My follows are not endorsements, but I also don’t care for such a childish bully tactic as “canceling.” Take care.

I meant absolutely no disrespect by messaging you. And you have taught me what I don’t want to be, which is a cancel culture hack. Thank you. Really opened my eyes. I truly didn’t mean to interrupt your evening and hope you have a pleasant one.

Friend, you didn’t interrupt anything, but thanks for saying that. I sit on an uncomfortable line of the political spectrum, as you’ll find most sex workers do. On the one hand, we’re attacked by the racist, transphobic right — but on the other hand, we’re de-platformed and attacked with legislation largely led by the left, which has a terrible record on censorship and free speech. The right hates the left for its “thought police” tactics — which is totally valid — and the left hates the right because of its penchant for white nationalism and cronyism. Sex workers generally fall in the middle. We’re victims of censorship and racism, thought police and police violence. We distrust everyone. “Cancel culture” is a leftist invention, a way to shame those you don’t agree with or who say things you find abhorrent. It’s a very medieval form of thought police, and frankly, it makes the left look bad. I fall far more left than I do right, but I’ll also defend a right-wing asshole’s ability to say what they want because we have the freedom to do so. The same freedoms that apply to me should apply to everyone else.

I completely agree, and that’s why I needed to thank you for helping me open my eyes to what I’d become and the thoughts I’d begun to perpetrate. I didn’t like that part of myself, and I guess I needed to do some serious reflection. I’m sorry that I tried to influence your thinking in any way. Please, forgive my lack of thought and empathy.

Nothing to forgive. Thanks for being receptive and hearing me out.

Thanks and you too 🙂

Your writing has really helped me be comfortable not only with my sexuality but with my body as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with the world because they have a tremendous impact on people, including myself 🥲

One’s primary relationship, from cradle to grave, through sickness and health, is the relationship with the body. It is a maddening, punishing, unforgiving relationship. But in every moment of doubt — I have one at least once a day — I try to remember the moments of ecstasy and joy. The memories of my body in pleasure keep me strong.

Love, Beastly

Hey Alex. This is Franklin, from Kenya. Your articles have been a source of escape from a lot of things and the understanding your words have brought can’t be stated enough.

I’ve just read your recent article. I truly hope your message of openness will be a resounding success.

Sincerely, Franklin.

Thank you, Franklin!

Love, Beastly

Good morning, Mr. Beastly,
How are you?

My name is Sam and I saw your article on gay sex workers. I have a few who I cherish and go to when I can. These professional friends of mine are sweet, sensitive, amazing, and wonderful. And yes they are sexy but even sexier for their being vulnerable with me.
Your article had me in tears. Not your fault of course. I thought those bullet points in your article might be routinely observed in the course of human relationships. That they are not observed mostly by men, in my opinion, is another low for our sex.
I will donate something this upcoming weekend. I do love your enterprises not for a sexual release but for further massaging our hearts and minds.
All the best, Sam.

Hi Sam,

That’s very kind of you. I really love the work. I’m getting a little older now and have been doing it for quite some time, so I am not sure how much longer I will continue to do it, but it’s an enjoyable way to help people, hone my sexual prowess, and discover new forms of intimacy and healing — for myself and for others.

Love, Beastly

Hey man, thanks for your articles! I enjoy reading them and they are a great encouragement to try and be more sex-positive myself, even though that’s still a work in progress. But I appreciate your writings so much!

We are all works in progress. Thank you for reading.

Love, Beastly

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