Lost Souls

My name is Alexander Cheves. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex. I wrote a book.

Have a question? Email askbeastly@gmail.com or go here.

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Another feedback post. I respond to ten messages from readers — no questions, just stories and confessions. — B

Hello Alexander, I am currently reading your autobiography, and find it relatable and beautifully written. This may seem strange because I am a married mom who lives in the suburbs! But, I see men outside my marriage and stumbled across your articles on the internet. Your frank discussions of sex have helped me navigate new sexual experiences that I have encountered. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I wish more people in general, and men in particular could be as open-minded.

Hi friend,

Thank you for reading my book. Yes, we are demographically different, but I believe humans tell stories to connect with each other. Stories work because, beyond the details, the key parts of our lives are universal. Stories show the things that connect us. That is what I hope I have done, and if I’ve connected with a cool, non-monogamous mom in the suburbs, that’s a win for me.

Other than you being over a decade less in years roaming this planet than me, I am not sure how I’ve missed out on your work thus far. You are unmatched in the delivery, content, and honesty of every piece of your work I have been able to devour in the short time since I discovered you. Thank you. I have been working with males on topics you cover for most of my life and am finally finishing my doctoral dissertation regarding males, masculinity, and muscle dysmorphia. I look forward to following your work and being able to point others to it when needed. Thank you again. I am thrilled to know I am not alone on this journey of advocacy.

Howdy,

The topic of queer male muscle dysmorphia is an interesting and important one, so I’m glad you’re excavating it. I’m honored to know my work is useful and I hope it continues to be. Thank you for your message and best of luck with your dissertation.

I’m at the beginning of my public kink journey (having embraced my inner leather kinkster years ago) and I’ve rejoined recon after a decade away to make some kink mates and fuck buddies on here to explore what the world has to offer 🙂 I really enjoy reading your articles and you’ve already given me loads to think about in relation to my own complicated marital/sexual/kink situation – so I thought I’d be uncharacteristically confident and just reach out to say hello and to thank you for your insightful writing – you’re helping people like me get their heads around a lot of thorny issues 🙂

Hi kink freak,

I’m very glad you felt confident enough to shoot me a message, and I hope that confidence only grows on your kink journey. I wish you luck with those thorny issues. When in doubt, seek out other kinksters and ask them for advice. You’re not the first kinky person to navigate complicated marital and sexual situations. I learned almost everything I know (most of the advice I give) from the kink community. We are the masters of navigating complex situations with honesty and integrity. Your tribe is always your greatest asset.

I just wanna say I’m a big fan. I am something of a fetishist and have a thing for tape gags and I read an article of yours on that subject…and there is very little stuff online about it that I can find. So I wanted to say thanks for printing that and making me feel less weird lol

Hi weirdo,

You are definitely an odd one, and be thankful for that. Imagine how dull your life would be without tape gags.

Hey Alex. This is Franklin, from Kenya. Your articles have been a source of escape from a lot of things and the understanding your words have brought can’t be stated enough.

I’ve just read your recent article. I truly hope your message of openness will be a resounding success.

Sincerely, Franklin.

Hi Franklin,

I hope my words are not the only way you can escape. If you are in an unfriendly place — a family that won’t accept you, a culture that shames you, a church that deems you sick or sinful — actual escape is the goal, and I hope you are able to get out as soon as you can. I don’t know you, but at the same time, I do know you — I know you are part of my tribe and therefore you live in a world in which a majority of people consider your existence a moral question. You are not a moral question. You simply exist and your existence is not a thing to be debated, not an ethical debate. We don’t debate the ethics of an oak tree or mountain existing, and you are one like these, a natural phenomenon no less deserving of being than birds and stars. Thank you for being in the world — you belong here.

I just read your article in the advocate from 2016, 16 Signs Your Gay Relationship Is Over And I want to thank you for it. I’m currently in an 11-year relationship but our sex views do not match. We have been trying to make it work but I always fail. So now I’m taking steps to end our marriage. All I wanted to say is thank you, I feel I’m not alone.

Hi there,

Whew, that’s tough. Separations are, in my opinion, the hardest parts of life. And they are inevitable — no relationship lasts forever, and no relationship is meant to. The fact that all relationships must end makes them no less wondrous or right; expiration dates do not devalue things, they only make them more precious. It’s important to know when to let go and how. Letting go with love and gentleness is one of the hardest things to do, and I can think of no kinder thing to do; breaking up as peaceably and honorably as you can is the best way to be good to someone who was good to you. You will get through it, and you will almost certainly be happier on the other side. I’ve never heard of a breakup that wasn’t necessary — few people ever regret getting divorced. Hang in there, hold on to friends, and be good to yourself.

Dear Alex, I just wanted to thank you for publishing your columns on your blog again. I can’t wait for every Monday to read them. They give me hope and have helped me so much with accepting myself and my sexuality as well. You are such a wonderful soul. Don’t ever forget it. I’m so glad I have discovered you. You can’t imagine your power of healing and helping other ‘lost’ souls including myself to find who we really are and start to love ourselves again. Greetings from Croatia!

Hello friend from Croatia,

I’m only interested in lost souls. If anyone reading this feels lost, I hope you know you’re part of the cool people of Earth — people who have no definite plan, no idea what they’re doing, feel outcasted, and are rejected by all the major conservative religions.

The concept of lost souls comes from Christian myth, from the cruel bronze-age belief that humans are divided in the afterlife between the saved and the damned. No one is coming to save us, so in that sense, we are all damned. But there is no need to be saved. Is life on earth that terrible, that deserving of relief, that we need to be rescued from it as soon as possible? I can think of nothing I want more than more life, here. You are not lost and will never be beyond the reach of healing or happiness. Your fuckups will never be beyond redemption. You will never be “too late.” You are always deserving of love — yours and others’. Don’t forget that.

hi! okay so this may seem random or strange, but i (a straight cis woman) just read your article “How Do I Bottom” for them. and i just want to say your writing was impeccable. not only was it descriptive and helpful, but it was safe. your writing created such a safe environment while simultaneously delivering factual and helpful information. it was truly unlike any sex-ed material i have ever read and thank you for articulating multiple times that sex is not going to be like porn. it’s so different and i think many forget that. so, thank you for writing such a helpful and safe piece. it meant so much to me and i can’t even imagine how much that means to LGBTQ+ youth and those discovering who they are. thank you

Hi bottom,

That is very generous praise. Anyone can enjoy being a bottom, no matter their gender, so your message is not random or strange — it is just a very appreciated compliment. Enjoy the fucking.

Dear Alex,
I just want to thank you for existing because when I discovered your blog it was like an entrance to a new dimension of exploring my sexuality.
I’ve accepted my sexuality because of your blog.
I wish there are more people like you who openly talk about sexuality and life of LGBTIQ people in general.
I’m still on the long way to accepting my true self but at least I’m out to my closest people, been on my first Pride, and had some first but sloppy sexual experience.
All that happened because of your blog.
Thank you once again, you inspirational soul.
Don’t you ever think about quitting writing.
Love, K.

Hi K.,

I have no plans to quit writing. And while your message is very generous praise, I must stress that I’m only writing words. You’re the one living, the one doing, and all the words I spit out cannot actually give anyone the quiet internal bravery needed to explore and grow — I can’t make anyone do anything. You’re doing that, and you should, above all else, be very proud of yourself. I am so proud of you.

Hello Alex, I have to reach out to you as I have just purchased your book after reading parts of your blog. You break down barriers and explain everything, it’s refreshing and it makes me feel less uncomfortable and it’s removing my feelings of am I alone? For things that can happen when fucking.

Hi friend,

I hope you know — through this blog, through conversations with others, through the internet, and elsewhere — that you are not alone in the trials and tribulations of fucking. Humans have been stumbling through sex since, well, before we were humans, and all these millennia later we’re still growing, changing, doing new things, trying new things, exploring new and better ways to feel good and be good to each other. Sex is the past and future mystery, the journey that never stops. That broader perspective should prove that it’s a bit silly to feel too much shame and embarrassment over the doings of the body. Bodies make messes, get tired, grow old, and adapt. There is little to do but love them — they aren’t perfect, but they ferry us through life.