People Are Not Conquests

I’m Alexander Cheves, a sex writer, worker, and educator. Friends call me Beastly. My debut book, an erotic memoir titled My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, will publish nationwide tomorrow, October 12th. Look for it everywhere books are sold.

I normally use this space to ask for support on Patreon — every dollar helps me run this site. But today, I ask you to order my book. It’s a classic coming-of-age story, just with different details — the gritty minutia of my life as a sex pig. More than anything, the book is a love letter to my people — my queer, kinky tribe — and I hope you enjoy it.

I’m currently in the middle of a book tour in partnership with The Advocate and Out Magazine. I’m doing readings at spaces that are meaningful to my community — leather bars, queer community centers, and similar spaces. All events are free, but are ticketed to comply with local occupancy limits. Come see me and get your tickets now!

Hey Beastly, love reading your responses and hoping you can give me some advice.

I’m a guy married 5 years to another guy, together for 15 years total. A year ago I found out my husband had sex with a guy he’d been sexting for a couple of years. I confronted him on his infidelity and he at first denied everything but then a day later admitted to fucking this other guy and said he was relieved that I actually found out because the guilt was getting too much for him.

I’ve been having this fantasy of wanting to fuck this guy that my husband cheating on me with. I have been chatting to him for a month now and he is keen to hookup with me (obviously not knowing he slept with my husband as well).

My question is, am I normal to want to fuck this guy, am I sick or what? Do I just want to experience what’s so special about this other guy? What do you think?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


Howdy friend,

I don’t think you’re abnormal, and I certainly don’t think you’re sick. I just think you’re seeking vengeance and using someone else to do so. That’s unethical, because it uses someone else without their consent for a hidden motive — to get back at your partner, or to assuage your own jealousy and hurt by proving to yourself that you’re just as desirable, just as fuckable, as your husband is.

It can be fun to get competitive. I get competitive with my own partner, and jealousy can arise out of that. He and I often lust after the same people, and it can be wounding to know someone is into him and not into me. In those moments, it can be tempting to do everything in my power to fuck that unattainable person — even manipulation, coercion — so that I can “win” him as a conquest and see myself as equally powerful, equally sexy, as my partner. But I have to remember, in those moments, that the feelings I’m having are between me and my partner and aren’t really about this third guy. This outside guy is a real person, a free agent, someone who hurts and feels — he’s not a tool to soothe my wounded ego or boost my self-confidence.

People aren’t conquests, friend. They’re people. We can call our darlings “trophy boys” and “trophy husbands” lovingly, but no one is a trophy. No one is a prize to be won, a notch in the belt to boost social standing or self-confidence. Everyone knows someone who views their fucks this way — and everyone wishes they didn’t.

I want to stress that what you’re feeling is normal. It’s probably a combination of jealousy and curiosity, envy and desire, insecurity and lust. And I want to add this caveat: if you were communicating to your partner that you wanted to do this, it could actually be a fun idea, maybe even a good idea. For you two as a couple, this could be your way to start exploring non-monogamy and opening up your relationship to include outside sex — regular thirds, special threesomes — but only if everyone was being honest, sharing their desires with each other, and talking openly.

It seems like that’s not what is happening. You want to bang this guy behind your partner’s back, without his knowledge, and this guy doesn’t know you’re the husband of a man he fucked once (and sexted with for some time). These facts betray a less healthy motive. If you don’t think this pursuit is driven by revenge and insecurity but by genuine sexual interest, tell your partner that you want to fuck the guy he fucked. If you you can’t do that, then you shouldn’t fuck this guy.

If you go through with it, it could be disastrous for your relationship, and you probably won’t feel much better after — you probably won’t have your jealousy stripped away, your envy smoothed clear, your insecurity salved. You’ll probably feel guilty and icky.

The only thing that can tip the scale and bend events to the positive and ensure a better outcome for all is full disclosure. Consider telling your husband that you’re turned on at the idea of fucking this guy. That might be an awkward confession, but it could lead to a better relationship in which you both give each other permission to fuck others or even decide to have threesomes together.

Honesty improves any situation. Dishonesty — going behind someone’s back or lying by omission — always makes a complicated situation worse.

Love, Beastly

Yea I’m 14 and can’t masterbate and I have another way of pleasing which is different from the classic up down hand thingy and when I do the hand thingy I can’t do it it won’t work

Hi there,

What’s the problem? There’s no “right way” to give yourself pleasure. When I started masturbating, I just rubbed my crotch on a pillow and, later, jacked my dick back and forth and sideways like driving a stick shift. I did not learn the “up and down” method until someone told me about it, close to a year after I started pleasing myself. During that year I still came — it still felt good.

As long as you’re not hurting yourself, you’re allowed to give yourself whatever feelings or sensations that feel good to you. If it works, your jack-off method is valid — it works for you. Everyone experiences pleasure differently.

The only thing I’d encourage — to you and to all who are very young and discovering the wonders of self-pleasure — is open-mindedness and total self-acceptance. You’re allowed to do this. It’s normal and healthy to do this. Enjoying your body isn’t evil or wrong. You’re not sinning or deviating from the norm — you’re just a person coming into sexual maturity, and that’s exciting.

Be gentle with yourself. There are many ways to know pleasure and all bodies are different. There are few rules or standards. As long as you don’t do anything inappropriate — masturbating in front of someone else without their consent, for example — you’re allowed to explore sensations that feel good for you. And you should.

Love, Beastly

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