How a Blowjob God is Born


Hi cumrade. I’m Alexander Cheves, a sex writer, worker, and educator. Friends call me Beastly. To ask me a sex question, email AskBeastly@gmail.com or send me a message via the Ask Beastly contact form.

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Hi Alex,

Your blog content is wonderful and I’m a fellow New Yorker. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year. It was just our anniversary last week!

I’m a top and not well versed in oral sex, which has been a point of friction throughout our entire relationship. He’s been frustrated with me as he gives me tips and I’m still not performing how he’d like me to. I’m worried this could potentially end our relationship or cause him to cheat if he’s unsatisfied.

He gives me amazing head and I’d like to return the favor. He says the biggest turn off is that he doesn’t feel that I’m into the head, but the truth is that I’m so afraid to not please him that I get into my own head.

My past relationships were casual and I never performed oral sex on my partners. I’m sort of a virgin in this area. Any advice you can share would be helpful. PS – he’s into leather, so I bought handcuffs, a ball gag, and harnesses to use during our anniversary trip this weekend to Montreal.

Hi top,

My first question is: Do you like oral sex — or, at least, are you turned on by the idea of giving great head?

That’s key. The best blowjob gods are simply guys who are very turned on by the idea of sucking cock. If that fantasy isn’t part of your erotic headspace, you may simply not be a fan of oral, and that’s totally fine.

Let’s get something out of the way: If you really, truly fear your boyfriend will leave you — or, worse, cheat on you — because you don’t give him the oral sex he wants, you should absolutely leave him. If that’s the case, you need a new boyfriend.

Pleasure in sex is always a two-way street.

Now, if he’s simply expressed that he likes the idea of receiving oral and you want to satisfy this for him — if this desire is coming from you, not him — and you’re getting some performance anxiety, that can be dealt with by practicing, sharing feedback, doing research, and trying some tips I can offer.

First: practice. All sex requires practice and training. No one is magically able to do anything sexual, because sex is complicated and difficult. It sounds like he’s been giving you some feedback already about that he likes, so it sounds like you’re getting some practice. The only thing to do is keep practicing and maintain patience with each other. Focus on “I” statements like “I loved when you…” or “I really liked the part when…” instead of “you” statements, which can increase pressure and feel accusatory (“You aren’t really into it and I can tell”).

A radical truth that people forget is that no one can make anyone feel a certain way — feelings (pleasure, pain) happen in our bodies, with our minds. They are fully self-contained. This means that even for a heavy submissive, experiencing pleasure is always, to some extent, active: you are actively giving someone control which makes you feel pleasure, an experience that happens fully in your own body. It is not done to you. (This truth is generally more employed in service of navigating emotional feelings, not physical ones; a fighting couple can benefit from being reminded that we must own our thoughts and emotions because they are fully ours, contained within our bodies, and can be fully independent of what others say or do to us.)

You are a full sexual being and not lacking in any way.

In less cerebral terms, what this means is that it’s a fallacy to say, “You made me feel X” or to believe that someone else is capable of controlling your emotions. This is a lesson for him. Pleasure is active, so if he’s not enjoying your oral service, something is happening in him that’s not enjoying it, which he needs to take ownership of before critiquing you. Pleasure in sex is always a two-way street. Knowing this can make practice much more productive and can help you get out of your head a bit — the success of the blowjob doesn’t depend fully on you.

Second: research. Look up blowjob tips online. I wrote one such article for The Advocate. Maybe even talk to a friend who really loves giving head and who considers themselves a head master. If this is really an issue that you think could drive a wedge between you and your partner, talk to a sex therapist.

Lastly: try my tips. I am not particularly great at oral sex, nor have I ever particularly enjoyed it. But in the last year or so I’ve made a focused effort to improve, and the first step of that for me was to start watching blowjob porn, an area of porn I completely overlooked in the past, and trying to masturbate to it (it’s worked, particularly as I, in true kinky fashion, have explored more hardcore oral videos like skull-fucking, throat training, and so on). This is simply me building up a picture in my mind, a fantasy of oral that isn’t an obligatory and tiresome preamble to anal but a complete sexual experience in itself. The second step for me happened by accident: I met someone who wanted to train me to perform better oral service and has taught me some practice exercises.

If you really, truly fear your boyfriend will leave you — or, worse, cheat on you — because you don’t give him the oral sex he wants, you should absolutely leave him.

Here’s the first practice exercise: with your chin up and your tongue out as far as it can go, take a small dildo and gently touch the head to the tip of your tongue. Treat it like a real dick, and very, very slowly drag the head of the dick up the middle of the tongue about an inch, then stop. Then, keeping the dildo in the exact spot on your tongue, start to close your mouth, a movement that will naturally withdraw your tongue and pull it in. If that dildo stays where it is, when you close your mouth around it, it will already be in your throat — you’ve naturally “pulled” it in. This exercise can help with gag reflex, and can be done with a partner.

The other exercise is also done with a partner — this one is meant to foster trust and connection, two key components of any rewarding erotic experience. Get on your knees on the floor (I recommend putting folded towels down so you don’t hurt your knees) in front of your partner and keep your hands held tight behind your back (pretend in your mind that they are tied). Go as far as you can on your partner’s cock — and then have him take slow steps back, holding your shoulders firmly. Keep your upper body rigid. You will tilt forward and you will feel your core and abs activated. Trust him to not let you fall. (You can’t easily fall because his cock is in your throat, literally supporting you up, and you can’t fall “through” his physical body). You’ll find as you trust him and tilt further forward that it becomes easier to take his cock in your throat because your neck and throat will be extended and opened up, creation a straight tunnel. The fact is, it’s easiest to swallow a dick when when your head is tilted back, which is why some guys lay on their backs on the bed with their heads over the edge, to create a straight tunnel for face-fucking. The same ergonomics apply here with the added benefit of building trust: the more you trust him and lean forward (and the more core strength you have), the deeper his dick will slide in your throat, with less pain. I don’t actually suggest tying your hands in case you actually do fall forward and need to catch yourself, and as you tilt forward, your impulse will be to put out your hands out in front to brace you from hitting the ground, but doing that defeats the purpose of the exercise. Try to see how far you can go.

That’s truly the best dick-sucking advice I have. Even with these new practices and new interest, I’m still not likely to hook up with someone solely to suck cock, because it’s not my favorite thing — I’m an anally-oriented person. If you just don’t like sucking dick, don’t force yourself. If my boyfriend told me my oral skills were a make-or-break part of our relationship, I’d tell him to date someone else.

Consider giving your partner permission every now and then to get a world-class blowjob from a hungry cocksucker who wants nothing more than to milk a load with his throat muscles.

It sounds like he’s pressuring you a bit, which is not constructive and is the surest way to ruin sexual chemistry. Why do you have to be good at head? Why can’t that be his thing?

I gave you some tips, but I want to impart something important: You are a full sexual being and not lacking in any way. There’s no rule saying you have to “deliver” or perform a certain sex act at his skill level or at the level he wants. If he doesn’t like what you do offer, that’s fine, but he probably shouldn’t be dating you. If he needs good head to stay in this relationship, this relationship is not worth preserving.

If that’s the case, before you call it quits, consider opening up your relationship a bit (you used the word “cheating” so I assume you’re monogamous). Non-monogamy could solve this problem and make everyone happy, as it does with most relationships issues. Consider giving your partner permission every now and then to get a world-class blowjob from a hungry cocksucker who wants nothing more than to milk a load with his throat muscles. You probably wouldn’t feel comfortable watching that, at least not right away, but I can tell you that, as someone who enjoys non-monogamy, it can be very powerful and beautiful to watch someone I love enjoy the experience with someone else that I can’t give them. Watching lets me be part of that fantasy without having to directly supply it, and that might be a beautiful thing for you, too.

Love, Beastly

2 Comments

  1. Gosh Mr. Cheves,

    I emailed you a simple question like months ago and I never heard back. It was sad. I believe it was about gainswave or similar machinery, since you know so much about all that material, I hoped you’d give me your impressions.

    Maybe you’ll find it among the thousands of yet-to-be responded to emails.

    Enjoy the week.

    Newton

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

    1. I received your question. I schedule posts in advance to make this whole endeavor a bit easier, and there are a few in line ahead of yours. I promise I will get to it. Though, let me say that I’m not an expert on gainswave and have never written, here or elsewhere, that I “know so much” about that. You won’t find a single post on here about that. So if you’re seeking someone very studied on that subject, I might not be your person. That said, I will research as much as I can in order to adequately answer your question.

      Like

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