The Issue With Being a Size Queen

I’m Alexander Cheves, a writer, author, and sex educator. My nickname is Beastly. I give adult advice on this blog — no question is off-limits. To ask me something, email AskBeastly@gmail.com or send a message via the Ask Beastly contact form.

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Hi! I’m a bottom into big thick cocks. I love to get deep and hard penetrated. I have done double penetration and can take many cocks for long sex sessions. I saw your blog of Folsom and I wonder where and what sex event are good options to get gangbanged by huge thick cocks? My fantasy is DC black pride or NYC black pride. What do you recommend to make my fantasy real?

Hey size queen,

I knew a question like this would come someday and that I’d have to drag a personal detail about myself out into the light, one that I’ve never openly stated on this blog: like you, I’m a size queen.

While I don’t only pursue men of color based on the assumption that they’re all hung (and all tops), I do love getting fucked by a beautiful man of color with a big dick. But the base assumption that men of color are hung comes from racist myths and depictions of Black men. You and I are not wrong for wanting what we want, but the problem of fetishizing Black bodies has to be addressed.

I was new to gay life when I heard white gays say that if you want a big dick, it has to be Black. Many Queer Black men I’ve come across have capitalized on this idea, shown off their slabs of meat on apps and elsewhere to attract guys like me. Many Black porn stars I follow have used this “big Black cock” stereotype to build careers and followings. But that doesn’t change the racist roots of the stereotype — the racist-ness of these assumptions about men of color isn’t eliminated by certain men of color using them to their advantage.

Throughout American history, Black people, and Black men in particular, have been depicted as less-than-human — virile beasts with monster cocks eager to fuck anything, predatory on “pure” white women. Many Queer men, perhaps without even realizing it, have propagated the gay iteration of this old, racist trope by promoting the idea that Black and Queer men are all power-tops hungry to fuck white bottoms.

The fact is, many Queer Black men are bottoms — I would imagine there is the same percentage of bottoms among Black Queer men as there are among white Queer men — and many are not dominant, assertive, or hung. Thanks to TV shows like Pose, we are only beginning to see more comprehensive representation of the Queer Black male experience, but this representation is marginal — Pose feels like an island in a racist sea. Culturally, mainstream media still doesn’t know how to depict or be comfortable with Black Queer sexuality.

Let’s not beat around the bush: the last line of your question is jarringly racist, even if you did not intend it to be. I cringed when I read it. I understand that you were simply asking a question and confessing a fantasy, and that’s okay. You are allowed to do that here. Everyone is allowed to have a fantasy and have desires. So where do we draw the line? Some men of color get into “race play,” an uncomfortable role-play that incorporates racist tropes, language, and power dynamics — words like “slave” and “field master,” racial slurs, and so on — and I can’t call people with this fantasy implicitly morally bankrupt. I don’t think a fantasy has any bearing on someone’s ethics or actual beliefs — not everyone into “race play” is a racist, just like not everyone into consensual non-consent, or “rape fantasy,” is a rapist. So are you allowed to enjoy a fantasy even if it flirts with (or even celebrates) racist ideas?

Yes, as long as you are aware of the racist roots of your fantasy and are not racist outside your fantasy.

You are allowed to chase big Black cocks. You are allowed to pursue men of color who advertise themselves this way, who label themselves “pipe slingers” and “XXL” and “deep drillers” and “monster kings” and all the other kitschy Grindr profile names I’ve seen (and appreciated) advertising big meat. But you’re not allowed to assume that all Queer Black men are like this, or that they exist to serve this fantasy. You are not allowed to approach all Black men assuming they’re hung and want to top. You are not allowed to go to a place or event where many Queer Black men will be and assume that many of them will want to fuck you, because that’s racist. Black Pride in D.C. does not exist for you to exploit or satisfy your sexual fantasy — it’s a chance for Queer Black folks to celebrate who they are. Respect that event the same way you’d want anyone to respect the Pride events you participate in.

The only thing you’re allowed to do is engage with men who advertise themselves according to your fantasy, guys who present themselves as dominant and hung. If someone advertises their body a certain way on Grindr, they want interested parties to engage with their bodies that way. In doing that, you both are participating in what can be seen as a mutually agreed-upon role-play scenario, “XXL Black cock fucks hungry white hole,” or whatever. You’re both engaging in the same fantasy, choosing to adopt the same language, embracing a fetishized dynamic with racist roots because it’s fun for both of you.

Various reports have studied whether or not men with darker skin actually have bigger dicks than people of European descent. The general conclusion of most of these studies is that, even if they do, the difference in size is marginal. There are extremes in size across every race — extremely short penises and extremely long ones. But, overall, most men — of all varying degrees of melanin — fall close to average, which ranges between 5.5 inches and 6.3 inches. 

Herbert Samuels, professor at LaGuardia Community College in New York, writes that this stereotype is linked to the opinions of 16th century West Africa that described Black men and women as bestial, animalistic, and hypersexual. This description also included the Black man as a “sexual superman” with a penis larger than the white man, and increased potency.

In the present day, Samuels describes, African-American men may perpetuate their own stereotype, since it is a rare time when a stereotype about them is not drastically negative. In some ways, it has become a sense of the Black male identity. But regardless, this stereotype is mostly fiction and rooted primarily in racist historical rhetoric.

I believe the only way to talk about this uncomfortable subject is to drag it out into the light. Yes, many people — men and women, Queer and otherwise — assume Black men have big packages, and people who prefer big packages may be inclined to filter their search accordingly. I’m not the authority on where to find large groups of Black men or Black men looking to gang-fuck you, but I’ll tell you that you should not go to Black Pride celebrations for this purpose. Go to celebrate with your Queer family of color. Go because you’re attracted to men of color and want to support them, not just because you want a big dick.

Love, Beastly

Hey, I stumbled across an article you wrote about sex fantasies and wanted to contact you I hope you don’t mind. I am an extremely sexual person and believe in exploring fantasies healthily, there is a guy I’m seeing who enjoys sex as much as I do and we are planning to play out certain fantasies. 1 that worried me at first was him wanting to simulate a rape scene, but after googling I found out it’s very common and it helps that we already use a safe word and I know if I say stop he sees it as a challenge but if I say “pumpkin” he stops everything and holds his hands up and waits for me to say I’m ok. He is rough, but so far only about 10-20% more rough than I would like lol. The more I plan out this fantasy the more I get excited too, and I have discovered I quite like the idea of being tied up and gagged too but my worry there is I won’t be able to use the safe word. I really do apologize for asking a stranger for tips, but as I’m sure you know there aren’t many people who understand or are comfortable talking about this stuff and those who are comfortable are hard to find 😔 if you had any links or could point me in the right direction that would be extremely helpful. And I plan on following you on everything I can to keep up to date with your work I see you have a book coming out which I’m sure will make for a fascinating read. I can see you are gay so a lot probably won’t appeal to me but ideas and tips are useful for all occasions right? Thank you for spreading the word that it’s healthy to explore sexuality as well 😊 the world would be a much better place if more people orgasmed more lol

Hi friend,

Don’t apologize for asking for tips! That’s what I’m here for. I am not 100% gay, but that’s irrelevant, as I think most sex advice is translatable across identities. All bodies in pleasure with each other must communicate consent and limits. If I’m understanding your question, you’re asking how to use a safe word and give/revoke consent when you are tied up, gagged, or otherwise inhibited from using standard modes of communication.

You have to discuss this with your partner before you play. If you plan to be gagged, agree on some way to signal STOP — snapping your fingers rapidly, whatever — that will end play immediately. If he’s going 10-20 percent rougher than you’d like him to, you must tell him this. If he doesn’t pull back or respect your comfort threshold, you can’t expect him to respect your “STOP,” however you decide to communicate it, and you should find someone else to play with.

I love getting gagged — it’s one of my favorite things — and when I’m gagged, I snap my fingers once or twice to mean “YELLOW” or “slow down.” I’ll snap my fingers rapidly and continuously to mean “RED” or “STOP RIGHT NOW.” This means my hands and fingers must be free to move, even if my wrists are tied or cuffed, and that my top must be able to see my hands. (I do not believe in establishing punishments or repercussions for calling “RED” or stopping play — I think tops who mandate punishments for ending sessions are not safe partners.) I’ve come up with other ways to communicate “slow down” and “stop,” but I think the snapping is best for me when gags and hoods are involved. The important thing is that these signals must be decided upon and talked about in advance, and if he’s unwilling to do so, stop playing with him and find someone safer.

Love, Beastly

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