Being Hung Doesn’t Make You Fun

I’m Alexander Cheves, a writer, author, and sex educator. My nickname is Beastly. I give adult advice on this blog — no question is off-limits. To ask me something, email AskBeastly@gmail.com or send a message via the Ask Beastly contact form.

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Hello Beastly!

I am a 25 gay cis-man. For the first time I took the courage to have sex. The guy I met with was very kind, respectful and patient. I enjoyed our moment together. I bottomed for him and being my first time, I still have lots to do to be a good lover. Well, I have always consider myself a vers. So now that I tried bottoming, I would like to try topping.

The only problem is that I have a very small penis (below average – well below 5 in) and given my height, it sort of looks out of place. I am concerned because all the guys I have chatted with online do prefer big penises. The guy I had sex with was well endowed (which I didn’t know before meeting). He was super patient but he did not play with my penis very much. I don’t know if that was normal for him, or if it was because he wanted to remain gentle, or if it had to do with its size. Compared to his, I could see a big difference in sizes though and we were about the same height.

I really want to become a good lover so that when I finally am in a relationship I can bring pleasure to my partner and make him enjoy sex with me. But I don’t want to just bottom. I want to be a top too. I feel like with my penis size, this will be much harder given the fact that the LGTBQ population where I live is relatively small.

If I do happen to find a guy who wants anal and wants me to top, how can I make them feel good? Have you ever had sex with a guy with a small penis? Is there any techniques or tips I could use to make it pleasureable for them? That is without using any anal toys or penis extendors. I just want to use my body.

I really want to become a great vers. I want to be able to bring pleasure as both a bottom and a top. I know that no matter the form of sex, I will enjoy it because I always try to make an experience worthwhile. But I want my sex partner to feel the same way. I don’t want them to pity me and I don’t want to be the only one enjoying the sex. I want them to feel true pleasure and enjoy their time with me. I want to be a great lover who will be able to satisfy my partner’s sex needs. I want them to feel pleased, cared for and just have a good time. Sex is supposed to be fun for everyone involved. I am trying my hardest to feel okay about my size and put myself out there. But it gets tough when you constantly get blocked due to your size. This is something I can’t control.

I was born with a small penis and there is nothing I can do to change that. I try not to let it get to me. I am trying to keep my confidence up and be a good listener to be a good sex partner. I try to understand that everyone has their own preferences (I do too). But that is no excuse to de-value someone for how they look. I am starting to hit the gym thinking that if I look more fit, if I could look attractive more guys will want to be me with me. But in the end, I want people who will like me by who I am.

Anyways, I am always upfront about my size and I don’t lie about it. Do you have any tips on how I could pick up guys? But more importantly: How do I become a good vers having a baby carrot sized penis instead of the regular carrot sized one? Any techniques?

Thank you so much for reading my message!

Take care.
Sincerely,

Vers-In-Training

Hi Vers-In-Training,

It sounds like you had a good first-time. Not many people can call their first-time playmates kind, respectful, and patient. Since you are basing your question on one sexual experience, I think it might be a little soon to decide you have a “baby carrot sized penis instead of the regular carrot sized one.” Your standard of comparison is one man’s anatomy (so far) against your own. Why don’t you wait until you’ve been dick-to-dick against at least ten more guys before deciding that?

And why stop there? Compare your package to thirty packages, or one-hundred packages! I would hope that, in that process, you’d see such a range of penis sizes across the world that even if you still considered yours smaller than average, you’d be bolstered by the fact that many people have penises like yours.

Most guys are average in size — thats why it’s called the “average” size range. I have an average dick. I’ve seen many dicks in my life — some much bigger than mine and some much smaller — and the more I see, the happier I am with what I have. I’m not a pornstar with a monster cock, but I’m okay. I think you might feel similarly after exploring penises. All penises, great and small, can be fun. How fun they are has little to do with their size and more to do with the people they’re attached to.

Let’s pretend you’ve already completed that great cock quest and measured yourself against men from across the globe and determined that you are indeed smaller than average. There’s not much to do with this. Fucking is still fucking, sex is still sex, and the wonders of intimacy and pleasure don’t change when you have a smaller dick. You said it yourself, VIT: you can’t change your body. Each person is given what they’re given, and until gene-editing and gene-hacking become safer and more accessible, humans are saddled with living with what we have.

The only thing you can really change is your perspective, and thank goodness for that, because perspective is more powerful than the body. I imagine most people think our perspectives are slaves to our bodies, trapped inside them, but it’s the other way around. Your perspectives and beliefs drive your sex life. They are the engine, your body just the vehicle.

I’m a sex worker with an average dick. I’m not extremely muscular or extraordinarily beautiful. What I offer clients has less to do with my body and more to do with my knowledge, my personality, my communication ability, my adventurousness, my kinkiness. When I top, my dick is not my star feature: I top with charisma, hands, voice, breath. I can’t give myself a huge dick, but I can cultivate my tenderness and attentiveness. I can be a good listener and adventurous explorer. But let’s face facts: some people are exclusively looking for a hung top, and when they message me asking for that, I tell them to hire someone else. There are many people out there who make money because they have very large dicks, and they deserve to profit from their bodies as I profit from mine. I’m not trying to take away their business, and even with their cocks, they don’t threaten mine. I offer something they can’t offer. I offer me.

That approach is how I think everyone should approach sex. Some people will only want a big dick, and that’s okay. Sometimes I’m only looking for a big dick. But sometimes I’m not, and I can say that the nights when my search was less narrow, less specific, tended to be my best nights. I could go through life viewing the features I can’t change — my HIV status, my dick — as things to work around, failings to compensate for, but that’s a miserable way to live. Instead, I choose to live knowing that my filthy mind and no-limits imagination are more valuable features than my cock. Many hung guys are a lot of fun to play with, but being being hung on its own is not enough to make someone fun.

You sound like a lover who wants to please your partners. You seem open to communicating to learn what they like. You sound adventurous and game, ready to try new things. Even with your doubts and insecurities, you’re charging ahead, wanting to be the best lover you can be, and you’re not letting your insecurities stop you. That’s big! I hope you know that many people never get to that point. The world is filled with people who want sex, but their fears and doubts keep them from ever trying. Your willingness and desire are your best assets, things that many people don’t have. Use them.

Despite what some say, there are no physical tricks that universally work. I don’t have any sure ways to please someone when you have a small penis. No one does. If you’re not willing to use toys and hands and extenders, then you only have the instrument of your body, all your senses, and your charisma. Those tools are enough to be a sex god.

I’ve had sex with very hung guys who have no charisma, no attentiveness, no creativity. They have no desire to be better at sex because they believe that having a big dick is all that’s needed to draw people to their bed, and in many cases, it probably is. You could argue that they don’t need to do more or learn more if they’re happy with the sex they have. I’m sure they have no shortage of sex partners, as many people are just looking for a big dick — and those people aren’t for you. When I get fucked by very hung guys with no charisma, no communication skill, no desire to be better, it’s usually bad sex.

When I was in college, I had a friend with a huge dick who just jackhammered and had no idea how to fuck and never bothered to listen or learn how to please me. The sex was awful. I was just one of many guys he fucked, and we all got fucked by him because he had a big dick. I was not sexually savvy at that time and was too much of a novice to appreciate skillful sex. I’m older now and much more sexually savvy, and I’d rather play with someone with a small dick who I share chemistry with, someone piggy and adventurous and game for anything. Today, one of my favorite regular playmates is a man with a small penis, and when we get naked around each other, we kiss and lick and growl and spend hours simply being into each other, devouring each other’s energy, and he always makes me cum hard.

To please partners, focus less on physical tricks and give more time and attention to expanding your sexual vocabulary, developing your confidence and chemistry, and offering a rich, complex, emotional experience. Explore your dominant side and your submissive side. Practice telling people what to do in bed, because many people love being told what to do. Sex can be awkward and usually works better when you don’t have to think too much about what to do next, so being told what to do is fun and relieves pressure for some people. More importantly, practice asking your partners what they like and what feels good for them. Foster a willingness to try new kinks and new experiences. These virtues will make you a more valuable lover than simply having a big dick.

Despite what you think, there are many sexy men out there who aren’t exclusively looking for a big dick, and these men will be lucky to meet you. Your biggest obstacle will be that voice in your head that wants to apologize for your body and sees your penis as inadequate, and I believe the best way to kill that voice is to become a student of sex — a passionate, adventurous lover.

Love, Beastly

3 Comments

  1. I have a relevant story to share:

    One of the best sexual experiences of my life was when I was about 20 years old. The man I went home with for a quick encounter had a small but athletic frame, beautiful hairy chest, and the smallest penis I’ve ever come across — he can’t have been more than between 3 and 4 inches hard.

    What made it a mind-blowing experience for me (I bottomed) was that he had — pardon the cliched expression — big-dick energy: far from being a jerk, he just didn’t need validation from others. It simply wasn’t necessary for him. He was a true alpha male in that sense.

    Instead, he did all of the things Alex describes: he was piggy and adventurous, rough and tender, he took control and relented control, and was completely present in the moment. I absolutely can’t explain it, but being fucked by him felt better than with anyone else, before or since. I gave myself up to him completely, and we shared a connection that I’ve very seldom found since.

    As Alex says, your penis doesn’t define you, in the same way that the video-game character we first spawn as doesn’t define us for life. Ideally, we develop from where we start out and gradually transform into the character we want to be in this beautiful sexual game of life. Visualize yourself as my BDE playmate, do what he did, and you will eventually become him. No mention of his cock size was ever made between us, and nor was it necessary.

    Like

  2. While I agree with the entire article; you are not being very truthful when you say that you are “average”; you are above the 98% if the numbers you report on your rent page is correct. I either assume you say that to sympathize with VIT; or your rent men page conflates your size. Either is fine with me; just comes off as not correct. I would say it’s a bit hard to understand; because as a hung guy I have enticed many guys that I have found hot with how big my penis is. Usually; if that is the only point of attraction; it leads to bad sex though; as a top and a bottom. I find that people who are more inexperienced tend to go for hung tops. Knowing and responding to your partner can be so much more stimulating than being on the receiving end of a sizeable jackhammer. I have slept with very hung guys; but still would prefer my partners’ below average penis; who would make me orgasm without touching myself regularly. And that comes with listening, and waiting. As long as you have a penis and it’s not a micropenis, you should not have trouble pleasing a partner with it. If you don’t; there are many other ways to please your partner as a top.

    Great writeup. I think porn has morphed our expectations; which can cause a lot of damage like this. We also need to stop this ridiculous penis shaming; referring to big dick as being inherently better than average.

    Like

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