My name is Alexander Cheves. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex.
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I doubt that there’s a study on this; it all seems anecdotal. Do you think things like dildos and fisting will spoil a gay bottom for cock? because they’re a hard act to follow? it seems that when guys get into that, that’s all they want.
To me, regular fucking still conduces to intimacy, but the others drive you to the fringe. Am I being a prude here? I worry that after indulging a young partner’s curiosity about fisting, the intense experience will change him forever.
“Prude” may not be the right word. You’re judging someone’s sexual interests because they don’t align with yours. Prudish people are generally opposed to expressions of sexuality on religious or moralistic grounds, and that doesn’t sound like you. You’re sexual — you’re just not into fisting.
I have to note your language, which betrays your belief that someone can be “spoiled” by certain kinds of sex — that certain sex can “drive someone to the fringe.”
Whose fringe? Yours? The “fringe” of your sexual limits might be a casual Saturday for someone else. And who are they being “spoiled” for? You? Someone else’s sexual journey isn’t for you — it’s for them. You might need to consider the possibility that a bottom who enjoys getting fisted does so for his own pleasure, not yours.
If you’re not into fisting and dildo play (and you decidedly are not), these activities will not be conducive to intimacy for you, and that’s fine. Fisting and dildo play are conducive to intimacy for me — in fact, my most intimate sexual activity is fisting — and these are intimate things for others who share my kink. You’re just not one of them. And that’s OK — you don’t have to be a fist top. But you don’t need to yuck someone else’s yum — you don’t need to shame anyone else’s kink.
I suspect an anatomy lesson is necessary here, as you probably think large objects permanently stretch bottoms out and make them “loose,” and you likely assume that “loose” bottoms can’t enjoy the pleasures of a normal dick. In your mind, they’re driven to a “fringe” subculture where all they do is take fists because nothing else will satisfy them. Most guys who don’t know much about fisting — or sex, for that matter — think this is how the body works.
Here are seven fisting myths, debunked:
1. Guys who get fisted are loose and can’t be pleased by a penis anymore. I like a tight hole — loose holes won’t make me feel anything.
All wrong. The ass is elastic — it stretches, then goes back to normal. If the ass permanently stayed open, a large percentage of men who have sex with men would be incontinent, and they’re not. Now, regular fisting and large toy play will make a bottom better able to open up, but that doesn’t mean they are “loose.” Loose holes are a sex-phobic myth — one that has been used for eons to police and shame the sexuality of women. Anatomy just doesn’t work that way.
I’ve been turned away by tops who see I’m into fisting and tell me that they “only like tight holes.” Whenever someone says that, I assume they are not very skilled in bed, because skilled tops don’t like tight holes. If someone is wincing in pain at every thrust and constantly having to tell you to slow down, you won’t be able to try adventurous positions or vary your speed and intensity. You won’t be able to really fuck, as you’ll mostly be concerned with not hurting them. When tops tell me they like tight holes, I consider them novices, and I’m not really interested in novices.
2. Fisting is such an extreme lifestyle that guys into fisting are only into fisting.
Nope. You think hands and dildos are a “tough act to follow” because they’re big, and because they’re big, they make bottoms exclusively want big things in their butts. While fisting may be someone’s favorite sexual activity — it’s mine — I don’t know a single fist bottom who exclusively gets fisted every time they have sex. I’m sure these bottoms exist, but most of us (even those of us who are very, very skilled) still like a good, hard dicking every now and then.
Fisting is time-consuming. It requires more prep time, clean-up, lube mixing, and planning than regular anal sex. For most people, exclusive fisting would be a strain on time. Now, some devoted fist bottoms train to get visibly wrecked holes (puffy lips, a long boy gash, a sloppy pussy), and these guys might exclusively get fisted — and somehow have the time to do so — and the way their holes look is a desired, intentional aesthetic. Their holes are the equivalent of having nice arms from bodybuilding. In this scene, sloppy holes are eroticized, and certain tops love them.
Their holes are not, strictly speaking, “loose” unless they’ve sustained some kind of injury or trauma — which only happens when you’re fisting dangerously or incorrectly — and certain kinds of fisting do teeter into the territory of controlled, gradual, aesthetically-desired tissue trauma (one could make the argument that all fisting is tissue trauma). But in most cases, even the most devoted, well-trained, sloppy holes would, following a break, tighten back up and look exactly like yours. Most fist bottoms (even very experienced ones) who go for long periods without fisting have to re-train and re-stretch — because, again, the ass is elastic. It closes back up.
3. Guys into fisting are also into kink, BDSM, and all the other freaky stuff. I’m pretty vanilla, so we’re not a match.
Actually, I find the opposite to be more true. A lot of fist pigs are pretty vanilla besides fisting. Fisting as a fetish gets roped in with BDSM, rubber culture, leather culture, and so on, but enjoying it does not necessarily make you a part of — or even interested in — other kinks. In fact, I know many fist pigs who are decidedly not into those other things. Many enjoy kink, but someone into fisting is just as likely to enjoy more intimate, one-on-one sex, making out, dates, and so on.
4. You have to have a really big dick to please someone who regularly takes fists (or big toys).
I’m always surprised that people think fisting is so extreme — because hands are so big. Are they? Compress your hand into its most collapsable shape (“duckbill” shape — see below) and hold it next to your hard dick. It’s not an absurd leap in size. We regularly accept fingering, even with multiple fingers — but push a little bit further and suddenly you’re doing something “extreme,” “hardcore,” and “dangerous”? I think fisting is mainly perceived as an extreme, high-risk kink because of the word “fisting,” which sounds violent. (The British word “handballing” is better.)
Getting fucked is about more than a dick in your ass. It’s also about submission, dominance, power, surrender, trust, control, tenderness, and affection — all things that amount to great sex. Size matters less than people think it does. Without chemistry, sex will be awful — even if you have a huge dick — so natural chemistry is far more important than how big you are.
5. Guys into fisting are usually into drugs, partying, and groups. I’m sober and I don’t like that stuff.
Fisting is “adventurous,” so yes, if someone is willing to explore an adventurous thing, they’re more likely to explore another, and drugs can certainly enhance a fisting session. Drugs do go hand-in-hand with the fisting scene, and fisting only took off after the American public was inundated with synthetic drugs (early ’70s). But there are many sober and in-recovery fist pigs out there. Drugs aside, many fist pigs prefer monogamous relationships, quiet nights, romantic dates, and so on. If someone is into fisting, it truly means nothing except that they’re into fisting. Stop drawing unrelated inferences about people based on one sexual activity they like.
6. Fisting is self-destructive. People who do fisting and other fetishes were probably abused in the past and this unhealthy “sex” is the result of trauma. They need professional help, not sex parties.
Oh boy. Kink is healthy. Many people believe kinks and fetishes stem from trauma, which is false; kink is perceived to bastardize the tender idea of making love, again false; and it’s considered “abnormal,” guess: false. More people are kinky than you think.
Fisting does sometimes result in injury, and there are risks involved, and many people cite this as evidence that fisting is self-destructive behavior. But look at guys who play football and receive traumatic brain injury from a widely-loved American sport. Look at professional athletes who push their bodies to the limits of human physical ability (and, with steroids, well beyond that limit). Look at bodybuilders and powerlifters who do things the body really shouldn’t do (you don’t need to squat or deadlift 400 pounds — ever — and our bones and joints are not designed for that). And lastly, look at the people in grueling labor jobs working minimum wage for massive companies.
All that is self-destruction. And those examples are sanctioned by the state and widely celebrated. But fisting is shamed because it’s done for pleasure, not profit.
Humans do things that are not safe. We push limits. That’s what it means to be human. Some people push their limits by rock climbing or creating art. Others get punch-fisted.
7. If someone tries fisting, they never go back. The experience is so intense that it changes them and sends them down a dark road of “extreme” sex.
Like all sex, some people try fisting — and shrug. Meh. It’s common to be into something for a bit, then grow out of it. When I was new to kink, I was into spanking, paddling, and heavy sub/Dom play. I had sessions with a dominant and would leave red and bruised — and loved it. One day I started resisting and getting irritated, and those feelings increased until the session when I simply wanted to stop. And that was it. I outgrew those kinks.
From there, I grew into other areas of sex. I loved public sex and groups for the next few years but started growing out of that, too. I’ve had better experiences one-on-one lately. People evolve in and out of kinks and interests, and a healthy sex life involves being open to constant change.
All of this is moot info for you because fisting and toy play simply are not for you, and if these are things your playmate wants to explore, maybe he isn’t for you, either.
If you’re not excited about fisting, you should not indulge your playmate’s curiosity. People should only be fisted by people into fisting. If you’re not into it, you won’t do a good job and you won’t make him feel good — promise — and you’re more likely to hurt or injure him. Fisting requires patience, communication, connection, and a deep desire to do this beautiful thing. It sounds like you have no desire to do it, and would only be trying it because he wants it. Worse, it sounds like you’d be silently (or not-so-silently) judging him for wanting it, which means you are actually the last person in the world who should be fisting him. So don’t.
I can tell when I’m being fisted by someone who loves fisting versus someone who’s just doing it to please me. Big difference.
Your young partner sounds like he’s ready to explore more adventurous sex. Find someone else who likes what you like and let the little beast spread his wings Set him free.