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I doubt that there’s a study on this; it all seems anecdotal. Do you think things like dildos and fisting will spoil a gay bottom for cock? because they’re a hard act to follow? it seems that when guys get into that, that’s all they want.
To me regular fucking still conduces to intimacy, but the others drive you to the fringe. Am I being a prude here? I worry that after indulging a young partner’s curiosity in fisting, the intense experience will change him forever.
“Prude” may not be the right word. You’re judging someone’s sexual interests because they don’t align with yours. Prudish people are generally opposed to expressions of sexuality on religious or moralistic grounds, and that doesn’t sound like you. You’re sexual — you’re just not into fisting.
I have to note your language, which betrays your belief that someone can be “spoiled” by certain kinds of sex — that certain sex can “drive someone to the fringe.”
Whose fringe? Yours? The “fringe” of your sexual limits might be a casual Saturday night for someone else. And who are they being “spoiled” for? You? Someone else’s sexual journey isn’t for you — it’s for them.
If you’re not into fisting and dildo play (and you are not), these activities will not be conducive to intimacy for you, and that’s fine. Fisting and dildo play are conducive to intimacy for me — in fact, my most intimate sexual activity is fisting — and these are intimate things for others who share my kink. You’re just not one of them. And that’s totally OK — you don’t have to be a fist top. But you don’t need to yuck someone else’s yum — in other words, you don’t need to think negative things about people who enjoy things that you don’t enjoy.
I suspect an anatomy lesson is necessary here, as you probably think large objects permanently stretch bottoms out and make them “loose,” and you likely assume that “loose” bottoms can’t enjoy the pleasures of a normal dick, right? In your mind, they’re driven to a “fringe” subculture where all they do is take fists because nothing else will satisfy them. Most guys who don’t know much about fisting — or sex, for that matter — think this is how the body works. And they’re wrong.
Here are seven myths about fisting, debunked.
1. Guys who get fisted are loose and can’t be pleased by a penis anymore. I like a tight hole — loose holes won’t make me feel anything.
All wrong. The ass is elastic — it stretches, then goes back to normal. If the ass permanently stayed open, a large percentage of men who have sex with men would be incontinent, and they’re not. Now, regular fisting and large toy play will make a bottom better able to open up quickly and comfortably, but that doesn’t mean they are “loose.” Loose holes are a sex-phobic myth — one that has been used for eons to police and shame the sexuality of women. Anatomy just doesn’t work that way.
I’ve been turned away by tops who see I’m into fisting and tell me that they “only like tight holes.” Whenever someone says that, I assume they are not very skilled of adventurous in bed, because skilled tops don’t like very tight holes. If someone is wincing in pain at every thrust and constantly having to tell you to slow down, you won’t be able to try adventurous positions or vary your speed and intensity. You won’t be able to really fuck, as you’ll mostly be concerned with not hurting them. When tops tell me they like tight holes, I generally brand them as novices.
2. Fisting is such an extreme lifestyle that guys into fisting are only into fisting.
Nope. You think hands and dildos are a “tough act to follow” because they’re big, and because they’re big, they make bottoms exclusively want big things in their butts from that point on. While fisting may be someone’s favorite sexual activity — as it’s mine — I don’t know a single fist bottom who exclusively gets fisted every time they have sex. I’m sure these bottoms exist, but most of us (even those of us who are very, very skilled fist bottoms) still like a good, hard dicking every now and then.
Fisting is time-consuming. It requires more prep time, cleanup, lube mixing, and planning as opposed to regular anal sex. For most people, exclusive fisting would be a strain on one’s time. Now, some devoted fist bottoms train to get visibly wrecked holes (puffy lips, a long boy gash, a sloppy pussy) and these guys might exclusively get fisted — and enviably have the time to do so — and the way their holes look is a desired, intentional aesthetic. Their holes are the equivalent of having nice arms from bodybuilding. In this scene, sloppy holes are eroticized and tops love them.
Their holes are not, strictly speaking, “loose” unless they’ve sustained some kind of injury — which only happens when you’re fisting dangerously or incorrectly — or trauma, and certain extreme kinds of fisting do teeter into controlled, gradual, aesthetically-desired tissue trauma (one could make the argument that all fisting is tissue trauma). But in most cases, even the most devoted, well-trained, sloppy hole who gets punched regularly would, if they took a lengthy break, tighten back up and have a hole that looks exactly like yours. Most fisters who go for long periods without fisting have to re-train and re-stretch themselves — because, once again, the ass is elastic. It closes back up.
3. Guys into fisting are also into kink, BDSM, and all the other freaky stuff. I’m pretty vanilla, so we’re not a match.
Actually, I find the opposite to be more true. A lot of fisters I know are pretty vanilla besides fisting. Fisting as a fetish practice generally gets roped in with BDSM, rubber culture, leather culture, and so on, but enjoying it does not necessarily make you a part of — or even interested in — other “freaky” practices like sadomasochism, bondage, and so on. In fact, I know many fisters who are decidedly not into those things. Many fisters do enjoy kink, but someone into fisting is just as likely to enjoy romantic evenings, intimate one-on-one sex, making out, dates, and so on.
4. You have to have a really big dick to please someone who regularly takes fists (or big toys).
I’m always surprised that people think fisting is so extreme — because hands are so big. Are they? Compress your hand into its most collapsable shape (“duckbill” shape — see the below image) and hold it next to your erect dick. It’s not an absurd leap in size. We regularly accept fingering, even with multiple fingers — but push a little bit further and suddenly you’re doing something “extreme,” “hardcore,” and “dangerous”? Please.
I think fisting is mainly perceived as extreme, high-risk business because of the word “fisting,” which sounds like a violent, painful action. (The British term “handballing” is better.)
Getting fucked is about more than a dick in your ass. It’s also about submission, dominance, power, surrender, trust, control, tenderness, affection — all things that amount to great sex. Size matters less less than people think it does. Without chemistry and connection, sex will be awful — even if you have a huge dick — so natural chemistry is far more important than how big your dick is.
5. Guys into fisting are usually into drugs, partying, and groups. I’m sober and I don’t like that stuff.
Fisting is “adventurous,” so yes, if someone is willing to explore an adventurous thing, they’re more likely to explore another, and drugs can certainly enhance a fisting session. Drugs do go hand-in-hand with the fisting scene, and there’s a case to be made that fisting only took off after the American public was inundated with recreational drugs (the early ’70s). But there are many sober and in-recovery fisters out there.
Drugs aside, many fisters prefer monogamous relationships, quiet nights, romantic dates, and so on. If someone is into fisting, it means nothing except that they’re into fisting. Stop drawing inferences about people based on one sexual activity they happen to like.
6. Fisting is self-destructive behavior. People who do fisting and other fetishes were probably abused in the past and this unhealthy “sex” is the result of trauma. They need professional help, not sex parties.
Oh boy. Kink is healthy. Many people believe kinks and fetishes stem from trauma, which is false; kink is perceived to bastardize the tender idea of making love, again false; and it’s considered “abnormal,” guess: false. (More people are kinky than you think.)
Fisting does sometimes result in injury, and there are risks involved, and many people cite this as evidence that it’s self-destructive behavior. But look at guys who play football and receive traumatic brain injury from a widely-loved American sport. Look at professional athletes who push their bodies to the limits of human physical ability (and, with steroids, well beyond that limit). Look at bodybuilders and powerlifters who do things the body really shouldn’t do (you don’t need to squat or deadlift 400 pounds — ever — and our bones and joints, which evolved to chase prey and climb trees, are not designed for that kind kind of strain). And lastly, look at the people in grueling labor jobs working minimum wage for massive companies who development permanent back injuries.
That’s self-destruction. And those examples are sanctioned by the state and widely celebrated. Humans do things that are not safe. We push limits. That’s what it means to be human. Some people push limits rock climbing or creating art. Others get double-punch-fisted.
7. If someone tries fisting, they never go back. The experience is so intense that it changes them and sends them down a dark road of “extreme” sex.
Like all sex, some people try fisting — and shrug. Meh. It’s common to be into something for a bit, then grow out of it. When I was new to kink, I was into spanking, paddling, and heavy sub/Dom play. I had weekly sessions with a dominant and would leave red and bruised — and loved it. One day I started resisting and getting irritated, and those feelings increased until the session when I just wanted to stop. And that was it.
I grew out of it, and grew into other areas of sex. I’ve loved public sex and groups for the last few years, but I’m growing out of that, too — I’ve had better experiences one-on-one lately. People shift and evolve into and out of kinks and interests, and a healthy sex life involves being open to constant change.
All of this is moot info for you, because it sounds like fisting and toy play aren’t things for you, and if these are things that your playmate wants to explore, maybe he isn’t for you, either.
If you’re not excited about fisting, you should not indulge your playmate’s curiosity. People should only be fisted by people who are into fisting. If you’re not into it, you won’t do a good job and you won’t make him feel good — I promise — and you’re far more likely to hurt or injure him. Fisting requires patience, communication, connection, and a deep desire to do this beautiful thing. It sounds like you have no desire to do it, and would only be trying it because you think he wants it. Worse, it sounds like you’d be silently shaming and judging him for wanting it, which means you are actually the last person in the world who should be fisting him.
I can tell when I’m being fisted by someone who loves fisting versus someone who’s just doing it to please me. Big difference.
Your young partner sounds like he’s ready to explore more adventurous sex. Find someone else who likes what you like and let the little dragon spread his wings.