I’m Alexander Cheves, a writer, author, and sex educator. My nickname is Beastly. I give adult advice on this blog — no question is off-limits. To ask me something, email AskBeastly@gmail.com or send a message via the Ask Beastly contact form.
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I am a submissive gay male who is new to bottoming. I want to know why when I am penetrated by my boyfriend after a few minutes it feels like I have to pee. is this normal? Someone told me that I am having a prostate orgasm or an anal one but they have been wrong before. Am I ok?
Howdy fellow bottom,
You’re OK. Everything you’re feeling is normal. Anal sex can stimulate the bladder, so it’s normal to have to pee (or feel like you have to pee) while you’re getting fucked, especially if you’re new to anal sex.
With more practice, this feeling will probably diminish. I was perturbed by the constant feeling of having to pee (and poop) when I first started having anal sex. With practice, my body and mind adjusted to the feeling and began enjoying it, and the bathroom urges lessened. Before you start having anal sex, your mind only associates the feeling of your ass opening with the act of sitting on the toilet. Anal sex involves retraining your mind to associate this feeling with pleasure (yes, some people say pooping gets more enjoyable). No matter how skilled at anal sex you become, I still recommend peeing beforehand, otherwise you’ll likely have to go during or after.
The feeling of “having to pee” is not the same thing as an anal orgasm, but an anal orgasm can involve peeing. Also, anal orgasms are not the same thing as prostate orgasms, although an anal orgasm can involve stimulation of the prostate. Many humans without prostates — cisgender women, for example — have (and enjoy) anal orgasms.
There are many different types of orgasms, including clitoral orgasms, G-spot orgasms, P-spot orgasms (prostate orgasms, which for the most part can only be achieved through anal penetration), cervical orgasms, and many more. People with penises often say they can orgasm simply from stimulating the underside of the head of the penis, where many nerve endings are located (there are shaft jackers and head jackers, and I imagine head jackers are familiar with this type of orgasm). There’s a lot we still don’t know about orgasm in general, and myths abound about these strange, wonderful phenomenons.
For example, many people with penises are taught to view their orgasms as quick, simple, ejaculatory things (false), and many people with vaginas are taught to devalue their orgasms entirely. Some people are told that the clitoris is the only way to make a person with a vagina cum (false). Some people are taught that all sex organs squirt a fluid when you orgasm (false). There’s disagreement over which orgasms have the greatest intensity, and there are many false prophets claiming they know the “right” way to please people. All this is called “horseshit.”
Anal orgasm is real. Put simply, it is the result of sexual stimulation of the nerves in and around the anus. So many nerves are there that stimulating it has to make us feel something. What does this orgasm feel like? In this article for Health — which is frustratingly only written with women in mind, as if men don’t absolutely love getting fucked — Andrea Barrica, founder of the sexual education website O.school, says that “some women describe it as being similar to a clitoral orgasm — a pulse of pleasurable contractions, but this time around the anal sphincter.” Others, she says, feel more of a “spreading wave” of pleasure. Minus the prostate, everyone’s rectal anatomy is the same, so these descriptions should be the same for everyone who enjoys ass play.
Every man I know who likes getting fucked describes anal orgasm differently — and among guys into fisting, descriptions vary even more. My boyfriend achieves anal orgasm rather quickly and can have multiple ones over a single night (I’m very envious). During a sex party where he’s getting fucked by many guys, he might achieve anal orgasm several times. My anal orgasms take longer and are harder to achieve, but they seem to be more intense, even a little violent, and last a long time (even several minutes). And I’m very loud. When I cum from getting fisted, people turn to see who’s yelling. Both of us can achieve anal orgasm without ejaculation.
My friend — a better fisting bottom than me — describes his anal orgasms this way: “Mine are like a wave that emanates from my sphincter. Everything contracts. I can’t take a breath in. For me it’s really similar to cumming in that my whole body feels a rush of ‘orgasm’ cascade over it — the only difference is, it can last for up to 15-20 seconds, and every pass through reignites the sensation.”
If you asked ten guys into fisting what their anal orgasms are like, you’d get ten different answers. Some actually do involuntarily pee on themselves (fisting stimulates the bladder more than regular penis fucking does). All this is to show you that it’s hard to say what exactly anal orgasms feel like, but when you experience one, you’ll know. If you’re new to sex, it may be a while before you do. If you’re a beginner, your pleasure “focal point” is in your cock (this is why beginner bottoms have to touch their dicks while getting fucked). To achieve anal orgasm, your brain has to switch that focal point to your ass and that takes practice.
If you’re experiencing great sensations but you’re not reaching climax, don’t worry about it and take anal orgasm off the table. The best orgasms happen when we aren’t trying to make them happen — and pressure, stress, and performance anxiety are the fastest way to guarantee they won’t happen. Just stay in the moment and enjoy how your body feels.
It’s been widely written that intimacy, closeness, and mental stimulation can be orgasm, and these are equally valuable as the others. Some people, for various reasons, can’t experience “traditional” orgasm, which is why we must encourage (and normalize) all kinds. I have a good friend who had penile surgery and lost the ability to ejaculate, and orgasm became harder, so he started stretching his ass and became a fist pig. Through fisting, he regained the ability to ejaculate and discovered new orgasms — anal ones — that were better than anything he felt before. Anal orgasms are my best orgasms, and as I’ve experienced more of them, masturbation has admittedly lost some appeal. When I want really intense pleasure, I get it through the back door.
Welcome to wonderland.