I’m Alexander Cheves, a writer, author, and sex educator. My nickname is Beastly. I give adult advice on this blog — no question is off-limits. To ask me something, email AskBeastly@gmail.com or send a message via the Ask Beastly contact form.
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First off, I want to say how much I enjoy your articles and blog. Having stumbled upon you (only figuratively) recently, I wonder how I learned to have fun with sex at all before…
That being said, I’m having some difficulty. I identify as a bottom/versatile gay male, for clarity. I recently ended a long relationship where the only type of sexual activity we engaged in was doggy-style (minimal oral and no other butt play) I had been dissatisfied for years and things to came to a head.
With all that being said, I had THE BEST sexual experience of my life, post-break-up, with another man and all I can think is “did he enjoy it as much as me?”
To be clear, this other gentleman is in an open relationship and we’re only casually hooking up. My question/concern; how do I ask if he wants to continue doing this regularly without coming across as clingy or romantically invested? I just got out of a relationship, I don’t want a new one. Just the quality sex I’ve been missing out on!
Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated and thank you for spreading the message of sex positivity!
Thanks for being sex-positive. It sounds like you had a really great hookup! I understand your plight.
You don’t have to ask him anything. Just send him a text the next time you are feeling horny. If he asks what you are looking for, you need to tell him that you only want something casual and non-committed, no strings attached. If he’s fine with that, congrats, you have a fuck buddy! If he’s not, the fun is over and it’s time to move on.
Some people need romance or at least a degree of personal connection to fuck someone regularly. That’s fine, and no one is more or less sexually mature for wanting a personal connection with sex. But the more you talk and are involved in each other’s lives, the more challenging it can be to be fuck buddies.
Good fuck buddies are rare because they are difficult to manage. This is why I usually fuck strangers with no intention of seeing them again. Regardless of what you’re looking for — anonymous one-time trysts or regular casual sex partners (fuck buddies) — the #1 rule is the same: if someone asks what you want, you must be honest. If you just want sex, say so. Don’t lead anyone on.
Many people find it difficult to compartmentalize and separate sex from feelings of attachment, which is why FWBs (friends with benefits) and FBs (fuck buddies) are notorious for messy endings. But I find these casual sexual relationships very comfortable — I default to NSA (no strings attached), but I often enjoy regulars. I don’t get possessive and I never do commitment or exclusivity.
I foster a general fluidity between my friends, fuck buds, and “special people” — people who, if I didn’t already have a boyfriend, would be candidates for more established, labeled relationships — and I am comfortable blurring these boundaries. Feelings are never a dealbreaker for me so long as the other person understands that I’m nonexclusive. But here’s where it gets sticky: I have to recognize that most people are not like me. Most humans play by other rules. Most cultures assume some degree of commitment with sex and think poorly about those who don’t. (Even in our progressive era we still bemoan “fuckboys.”) You must be sympathetic to others’ feelings and recognize that most people are taught to view sex as something that comes with affection and exclusivity. This is why clear communication is vital — defining what you are and what you aren’t — if you want to keep things casual and remain friends with those you fuck.
I’m happiest when I have a handful of regular fuck buddies. These guys exist in addition to all the randoms (anonymous hookups and so on). None of them require exclusivity. None of them want to date me. Most of them don’t even know about each other. A word of advice to maintaining a setup like this: you must recognize when communication is and isn’t needed. If you and a friend start sleeping together and it feels good and uncomplicated, don’t complicate it by talking about it. But if one of you has to talk about it (I never start these talks), communicate clearly and honestly what you do and don’t want.
When I find great playmates I want to keep, I don’t ask if they want to make this a regular thing — because you’re right, that sounds a bit clingy. Being given a role — even if that role is “fuck buddy” — implies a sense of commitment, and commitment makes people uncomfortable. You may be close to someone and develop your relationship for years, but attempting to label what you have can still be an awkward conversation.
Like all relationships, fuck buddies are terminal. Your fuck buddy may last a few weeks or outlive your 20-year marriage — anything’s possible, especially for Queer men. A fuck buddy is not your “primary” relationship. In many ways, it is the ideal relationship, as there are no expectations, promises, or lies, because there’s no need to lie. There are lessons you should take from fuck buddy relationships into your relationships with future boyfriends and future partners. Fuck buddies exist in that fluid place in which you can say anything and be anyone. The openness you can share with someone who asks nothing of you but sex is, funnily enough, a beautiful foundation for a great relationship. Many married couples don’t share that kind of complicity. But I encourage you to keep fuck buddy relationships in their place; don’t try to turn a fuck bud into a boyfriend or partner. Fuck buddies only have value as fuck buddies, and boyfriends have an entirely different kind of value as boyfriends.
With fuck buds, you foster a kind of love — a non-attached, Queer love. It’s dance floor romance, the thing you feel at a party when you meet someone, connect with them, do drugs with them, and never see them again. These little flames will enrich and mystify your life.
I see another question hidden in there: “How do I know if he likes sex as much as I do?” If he’s down to fuck again, he likes it. That may be an unsatisfying answer, but it’s the truth. I know how exciting it can be to find great bed partners, so I understand the desire to keep them around. But you can’t control anyone’s interest — this is true of all relationships. No one can promise they’ll never stop wanting you.
Enjoy the sex, grow from it, but know that someday he might not answer your horny text, and that’ll be it.
No one is meant to stay, and I often think the best loves in life are brief. People come and go so quickly here.