First off, I want to say how much I enjoy your articles and blog. Having stumbled upon you (only figuratively) recently, I wonder how I learned to have fun with sex at all before…
That being said, I’m having some difficulty. I identify as a bottom/versatile gay male, for clarity. I recently ended a long relationship where the only type of sexual activity we engaged in was doggy-style (minimal oral and no other butt play) I had been dissatisfied for years and things to came to a head.
With all that being said, I had THE BEST sexual experience of my life, post-break-up, with another man and all I can think is “did he enjoy it as much as me?”
To be clear, this other gentleman is in an open relationship and we’re only casually hooking up. My question/concern; how do I ask if he wants to continue doing this regularly without coming across as clingy or romantically invested? I just got out of a relationship, I don’t want a new one. Just the quality sex I’ve been missing out on!
Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated and thank you for spreading the message of sex positivity!
Thanks for being sex-positive. It sounds like you had a great hookup.
You don’t have to ask him anything. Just send him a text the next time you want to play. If he asks what you’re looking for, be honest. Tell him you want something casual, no strings attached. If he’s OK with that, you have a fuck buddy. If he’s not, the fun is over and it’s time to move on.
Some people need romance to fuck regularly. Others just need to know you a little better. Both are great, and no one is more/less sexually mature for wanting a connection. But I’m not like that — I often fuck strangers with no intention of seeing them again. Here’s the rule with doing this: if someone asks what you’re looking for, be honest. If you just want sex, say that. Don’t lead anyone to believe you’re looking for more when you’re not.
It can be hard to compartmentalize and separate sex from feelings of attachment, which is why FWBs (friends with benefits) are notorious for messy endings when someone catches feelings. But I find these relationships easy and comfortable — my default mode is NSA (no strings attached). I don’t get possessive and I don’t do monogamy — ever.
I foster fluidity between my friends, fuck buds, and “special people” and am comfortable blurring these. Feelings are not a dealbreaker for me so long as they understand I’m nonexclusive. This can be challenging for people. It’s important to remember that most people play by different rules. Most cultures assume some commitment with sex and think poorly of those who don’t (even in our progressed era we still bemoan “fuckboys”). You must be sympathetic to others’ feelings, and you must be honest.
If someone wants to know you better, be open to it. You can make great sex friends this way. But if they want to date and you don’t, tell them. This will bring sex to a halt, and that’s OK.
I do best with a few regulars on top of the randoms (anonymous hookups and so on). My advice to maintaining this — what some call “relationship anarchy” — is you must recognize when communication is and isn’t needed. If you and a friend start occasionally sleeping together and it feels good and uncomplicated, don’t complicate it by discussing it. But if one of you needs to talk about it (I never start these talks), communicate what you do and don’t want. Be clear and honest.
When I find great tops I want to keep, I don’t ask if they’re game for a regular thing — because you’re right, it sounds a little clingy (although with fisting and BDSM it’s a bit different). Being given a role — even if that role is “fuck buddy” — implies commitment, and commitments make people uncomfortable. You may be close to them and develop your relationship for years, but attempting to label what you have can still get awkward.
Like all relationships, fuck buddies are terminal. It may last a few weeks or outlive your 20-year marriage — anything’s possible, especially with gay men — but it’s not meant to be forever. It’s not your “primary” relationship. In many ways, it is the ideal relationship, and there are lessons you should take from it into future boyfriends and partners. Fuck buddies exist in that fluid place in which you can say anything and be anyone with no promises and no lies. The openness you can share with someone who demands nothing from you (and who you demand nothing of) ironically makes a great relationship foundation. Many married couples don’t have that sense of complicity.
With fuck buds, you find a kind of love — a non-attached, distinctly queer love. It’s dance floor romance, the same thing you feel at a party when you meet someone, connect with them, kiss them, do drugs with them, and never see them again. These little fires will enrich and mystify your life.
I see another question there: “How do I know if he likes sex as much as I do?” If he’s down to fuck again, he likes it. That may be unsatisfying, but it’s the truth. I know how exciting it is to find great bed partners, so I understand the pressure to keep them. But here’s the truth: you can’t control anyone’s interest. This is true of all relationships, from easy flings to marriages: no one can promise they’ll never stop wanting you.
Enjoy the sex, learn from it, and be blunt — tell him what you want and how you want it — and know that someday he probably won’t answer your horny text, and that’ll be it.
No one is meant to stay. We live brief lives and everything in them is ephemeral. That doesn’t make them any less majestic.