Someone in an Open Relationship Isn’t Single

Hey man, my name is Jose. I’m from Ontario, Canada. I came to this country to study, and during my time so far, I tried for the first time Grindr. I met an Asian guy, and he’s on an open relationship.

In the beginning, he stated the rules of our hook up, he was going to top me and no falling in love with each other, I agreed with those terms, and long story short the hookup became some quite repetitive. We started going out and having sex since June.

Every Friday we had sex, we stopped two weeks because he got gonorrhea from another guy and went to visit his bf in Vancouver. Since he came back, he started asking me to top him, so the rules changed.

Three days ago he texted me saying that we don’t have sex anymore because it was complicated for him to deal with the fact that I became a repetitive thing and he had a boyfriend. He wants to still hang out with me as a friend.

So after all my story here is the idea: Yesterday he came to my house, my aunt is a seamstress, and he wanted some shirts to sew. But he asked my aunt to let him the instruments to perform the stitches for his shirts, to be with me at home. At the end he kissed me and hugged me in the house, I couldn’t have a sharp reaction to his kiss and hug. He is only 26 years old, but I think he is quite expert in manipulation, but I think he fell for me.

Do you think I’m over reacting on this? Or I’m so stupid that he got me dominated mentally. I don’t have too much experience of being gay.

Thanks for all the help, hope I haven’t confused you with all my words.

Friend, here’s what happened: He set the rules of engagement, then broke them. I don’t think he’s being manipulative or “dominating you mentally” — I think he caught feelings for you and you caught feelings for him. When that happened, he chose which relationship to prioritize — the established relationship with his boyfriend over the vague, unspecified one he accidentally formed with you.

The fact is, he’s in a relationship. He’s not single. You’re not his priority here — you never were and never will be. This is causing you stress with no real hope of it ever turning it into a relationship with you. If his behavior continues to bug you, I’d hang up this steamy thing and move on.

His visit to your aunt’s place was not cruel or manipulative — it was just a foolish way to cling on to something against his better judgment. People do that all the time — this is why people sleep with their exes after a bad breakup and “try to be friends” with exes while emotions are still raw.

When he said he can’t have sex with you anymore, that was him choosing which relationship matters more — the one he has with his boyfriend — and from my perspective, he made the right choice. He’s in an open relationship, which means he and his boyfriend have probably had several talks about outside sexual and romantic attachments, and they probably have a plan for how to navigate these things. My boyfriend and I also have an open relationship and I consider him my “primary” — outside flings can come and go, but we are staying. We’re committed. In this scenario, you’re an outside fling. No one is committing to you.

Unless he breaks up with his boyfriend (or they decide to be polyamorous), that’s all you’ll ever be for him. That may be tough to hear, but the sooner you accept it, the sooner you’ll be able to move on and enjoy other people. I would not suggest trying to be friends with him right now since your feelings are still complicated and muddy. Get some distance from this situation and in time you’ll likely feel grateful that the experience happened and grateful that it ended when it did.

Love, Beastly 

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