Ask Beastly: Why Threesomes Are So Hard

My name is Alexander. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex.

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My husband admitted to me at the beginning of this year that he’s bisexual. I’d had my suspicions for a while but I’d never asked. I figured I don’t care what guy he’s doing as long as A) he comes home to me every night, B) he stays safe and doesn’t get something we can’t deal with, and C) he maybe lets me join sometimes.

But even after admitting he’s bisexual and has been on Grindr he swears he’s never cheated. And I believe him wholeheartedly. What gets me is every time I bring up having another guy in the bedroom he refuses. He won’t even talk about it. And some days I wonder if it’s because of the time he’s spent in prison but I think it’s more than that.

I think he believes that he’s not a man if he admits to me that he wants to fool around with other men. And I’ve tried so hard to explain to him how much I love him and how hot it is that he likes other men. I’ve tried explaining that it doesn’t make him less of a man and I don’t think less of him for it. But I’m afraid I’m not great at expressing those things and so I was hoping you could help me. Thanks. 

Sweetie,

It’s great that you support your husband, but it also sounds like you are fetishizing his sexuality a little bit. He’s going through a new and confusing experience. As someone who has my own attraction to men, I can tell you it’s a very internal, private journey, and — in the beginning, at least — it’s not easy to talk about.

I’m not certain what your definition of “cheating” is but I assume it’s having sex with someone else without telling you first. You’re obviously okay with him sleeping with other men without you present — you just need to know about it, right?

Here’s a fact we have to accept in relationships: you can’t make someone talk. You can’t make him tell you everything. There are parts of his life you will never see. There are parts of his sexual journey you won’t know about and you can’t speed it along. But since he was comfortable enough to tell you about his attraction to men — something that is very difficult to share — then you have a firm basis to believe he’ll be equally forthcoming when he’s ready to take another step.

That next step may not be a threesome, and that may not be because he feels like “less of a man” when he’s intimate with men. He may simply not like threesomes — and that’s totally understandable. Threesomes suck.

They’re not impossible to pull off, but they’re not easy. When sex researcher Justin Lehmiller polled people for his book, he found that threesomes are one of the most popular fantasies humans have. But in my experience, threesomes never measure up to their idealized fantasy. It’s hard to divide attention evenly between two people, and if emotions are raw and confidence is shaky, it’s easy to feel left out. I’ve enjoyed so many sex groups that I would be at a loss to count or even remember them all, but a threesome would still intimidate me. Because they’re difficult.

Assuming he reaches a point at which the idea of a threesome sounds fun, you should plan ahead how you will do it. The best threesomes are structured with two people showering attention on a third, or with one person who mostly enjoys watching or directly getting off from seeing the other two play. The magical scenario of three people falling in sync and automatically knowing what to do only happens in porn. Real threesomes tend to be uneven and awkward.

Don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with wanting a threesome. But in order to avoid the pain and arguments that threesomes can cause, he must also want to try it — and it sounds like he does not.

It makes sense that he isn’t leaping at the thought of you witnessing his first forays into sex with men in real time. The idea of having any kind of sexual encounter with a man may be very frightening and overwhelming to him right now — so think about how much more overwhelming it could be with you watching. Doing so would require him to navigate not only his own complicated feelings but worry about yours as well. You’re someone he cares about. A million thoughts might race into his head — “Is she judging me?” “Does she still love me?” “Is this okay?” — that would reasonably keep him from enjoying what will inevitably be an intense first-time experience. That sounds very stressful.

He needs to explore on his own, at least in the beginning, because his sexuality belongs to him, not you. He may struggle to talk about it, so be patient. It doesn’t matter if you’re comfortable with him having sex with men — what matters is if he is. He might not be ready right now. All you can do is extend a hand, an open invite to talk and share when he’s ready.

For what it’s worth, you sound like a great partner, and he’s lucky to have you.

Love, Beastly 

I will start with who I am, a 20-year-old gay man who has had HIV for 2 years in January. I am also Afro-Latino making me from looking at statistics almost expected with both my lineages of having gay POC being more likely to get HIV. I just want to ask am I really alone in my situation of being young and HIV positive? Will there be people accepting of my situation both with sexual partners and romantic partners?

Hi my poz brother,

You are not alone. You’re a member of a family now, and you will find the best people going forward. You will find friends who become lovers, lovers who become partners, and partners who become friends. Every rejection from someone scared of HIV clears the path for you to move forward and meet better people.

It won’t always be easy. There will be days when you’re rushing to get your bottle of meds before the pharmacy closes, nights you’ll lie awake worrying about your health insurance, and painful rejections from people too stupid and scared to see past something in your blood. But you have a life — one paid for by the greatest activists of our time.

Your life was won by queer and trans POC who marched in the streets and threw the ashes of their loved ones on the lawn of the White House, who put on heels and glitter and gave their tips to organizations fighting for us, who kicked cops and disrupted traffic and brought the world’s attention to people dying of AIDS in New York and L.A. and San Francisco. They did all that so that you can do this.

Many of them were young — younger than you. Many of them caught it in their first romances. Queer people of color are still fighting racism and police and prison to effectively combat this disease and they are doing so more effectively and compassionately than any other group affected by it. You’re in good company, and you stand on the shoulders of giants.

I caught HIV when I was 21. Year One was hard. The sting of rejection never fully goes away, but it becomes your default way to weed out the people you don’t need in your life. Those who reject you are the ones you can’t help, can’t teach, can’t bother with. The ones who love and fuck you without fear are the ones you keep.

Great relationships and great community lie ahead. Please stick around to experience them.

Love, Beastly