I’m Alexander Cheves, a writer, author, and sex educator. My nickname is Beastly. I give adult advice on this blog — no question is off-limits. To ask me something, email AskBeastly@gmail.com or send a message via the Ask Beastly contact form.
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I must admit that I feel a little strange writing this, as I’ve always prided myself if either having the ready answer or knowing where to find it. But when it comes to my own body, apparently I’m lacking…
So a little tidbit about me…I’m a Bottom that has been in several relationships and enjoyed each and every one of them but for one aspect that in retrospect has been glaring me down in the face, though I failed to see it… I never finish as a bottom!
I ENJOY anal intercourse and love being a submissive partner, but I realized very recently that not once in all these years, have I ever completed during the act and worse recently, I’m failing to even maintain arousal entirely… I take pride that my Tops have all been satisfied and appreciate what I have to give, but I myself have been left with a very hollow feeling of dissatisfaction and somehow loss.
So my question is twofold… first, is it common for a Bottom to not complete during the act and often to lose an erection? … If not, what can I do differently to help light my own fireworks show (so to speak) and feel the bliss I’ve been missing out on?
I’m honestly at a loss and am afraid that I’m just turning frigid. Any advice would be appreciated.
First things first: You’re not lacking. Stop thinking like that.
I assume “complete during the act” means “ejaculating,” right? First, let’s rule out a medical issue. The only way to do that is to talk to your doctor, who may send you to a urologist. It’s a good idea to get your testosterone checked and — not to be alarmist — to get checked for prostate cancer. Your question doesn’t specify if you are masturbating privately or not. If you are able to cum, just not during sex, you can likely rule out a medical issue. (But still talk to a doctor — always!)
It is very common for bottoms to not ejaculate (“cum”) during anal sex. There are bottoms who don’t necessarily love the physical feeling of getting fucked, but they enjoy the mental idea of being dominated and used by someone else. Their orgasm is a mental orgasm, an emotional high. They rarely ejaculate purely from physical sensation. Then there are bottoms who love the physical feeling of getting fucked (I’m one of them), but even we rarely ejaculate solely from getting fucked. With training, you can learn to cum hands-free from getting fucked, but that’s hard to do. I’ve only done it twice.
Let’s expand the concept of orgasm beyond blowing a load. There are many ways to “cum” that don’t involve cum. Let me put that another way: There are many ways to orgasm that don’t involve ejaculation. With training, you can experience anal orgasms, which are more intense than ejaculation orgasms, and these are usually hands-free. But anal orgasms are just one way to orgasm — there are many more.
Let’s expand the concept even further. What if your orgasm is sheer mental pleasure? What if it is simply feeling hot and intense with another person? There is no textbook definition for orgasm. Many penis-bearing people feel left out of this experience because our culture teaches us that orgasms for cisgender men and anyone with a penis are quite simple: you get aroused, your penis gets hard, and after a certain point of intensity, a milky fluid comes bubbling or shooting out of your dick.
That is not orgasm — or at least not the orgasm that many people experience.
People with vaginas have been experiencing orgasms for as long as humans have walked the earth, yet we still don’t fully understand how or where they experience them. That’s partly because the study of cisgender women’s pleasure has largely been a male-led science, and the subject is drenched (no pun intended) in misogyny and non-scientific myths. What we know is that orgasm for people with vaginas is anything but simple and they describe it in countless different ways: as a quick, sudden jolt or long, drawn-out moment, like falling into a warm bath. Debate rages over where, exactly, these orgasms happen. In the clitoris? Somewhere else? We (bizarrely) still don’t know for sure.
Some vagina-bearing people describe their orgasms with ejaculation and the release of fluids, others do not. Here’s the truth: Penis-wielding people are no different. We’ve just been taught that our orgasms are simple, so most of us accept a simple understanding of our pleasure. On top of that, social gender roles make many men, cisgender and otherwise, feel closed off from experiencing the emotional and mental aspects of orgasm.
It’s OK to cry when you cum. I have. It’s OK not to cum and simply feel held, protected, and loved. It’s OK to simply enjoy pleasing someone else. All these are valid and intense ways to feel pleasure. It’s sad that most men never allow themselves to access these rich feelings.
I don’t know what exactly you experience when you bottom, but you stress that you enjoy bottoming, enjoy submission, and have a history of pleasing tops. That’s great. It sounds like you’re on the right track, but it also sounds like some myths, expectations, and anxieties are holding you back — or a pressing medical issue you must attend to.
Here’s some homework: Stop positioning any single experience (whether that’s ejaculating, getting hard, or even experiencing orgasm) as the “completion” of sex. Your sex is complete if you enjoy it. If you are experiencing pleasure, you’re doing it right. Do more of what makes you feel good. If you’re not experiencing pleasure, it’s time to experiment. Explore the sensations that arouse your body and mind instead of focusing on maintaining an erection and blowing a load.
There are many ways to light your own (interior and exterior) fireworks. Enjoy the sparks.