Male Orgasm Is Not so Simple

I’m Alexander Cheves, a writer, author, and sex educator. My nickname is Beastly. I give adult advice on this blog — no question is off-limits. To ask me something, email AskBeastly@gmail.com or send a message via the Ask Beastly contact form.

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I must admit that I feel a little strange writing this, as I’ve always prided myself if either having the ready answer or knowing where to find it. But when it comes to my own body, apparently I’m lacking…

So a little tidbit about me…I’m a Bottom that has been in several relationships and enjoyed each and every one of them but for one aspect that in retrospect has been glaring me down in the face, though I failed to see it… I never finish as a bottom!

I ENJOY anal intercourse and love being a submissive partner, but I realized very recently that not once in all these years, have I ever completed during the act and worse recently, I’m failing to even maintain arousal entirely… I take pride that my Tops have all been satisfied and appreciate what I have to give, but I myself have been left with a very hollow feeling of dissatisfaction and somehow loss.

So my question is twofold… first, is it common for a Bottom to not complete during the act and often to lose an erection? … If not, what can I do differently to help light my own fireworks show (so to speak) and feel the bliss I’ve been missing out on?

I’m honestly at a loss and am afraid that I’m just turning frigid. Any advice would be appreciated.

Yours Truly,
Phil

Hey Phil,

First things first: You’re not lacking. Stop thinking like that.

I assume “complete during the act” means “ejaculating,” right? First, let’s rule out a medical issue. The only way to do that is to talk to your doctor, who may send you to a urologist. It’s a good idea to get your testosterone checked and — not to be alarmist — to get checked for prostate cancer. Your question doesn’t specify if you are masturbating privately or not. If you are able to cum, just not during sex, you can likely rule out a medical issue. (But still talk to a doctor — always!)

It is very common for bottoms to not ejaculate (“cum”) during anal sex. There are bottoms who don’t necessarily love the physical feeling of getting fucked, but they enjoy the mental idea of being dominated and used by someone else. Their orgasm is a mental orgasm, an emotional high. They rarely ejaculate purely from physical sensation. Then there are bottoms who love the physical feeling of getting fucked (I’m one of them), but even we rarely ejaculate solely from getting fucked. With training, you can learn to cum hands-free from getting fucked, but that’s hard to do. I’ve only done it twice.

Let’s expand the concept of orgasm beyond blowing a load. There are many ways to “cum” that don’t involve cum. Let me put that another way: There are many ways to orgasm that don’t involve ejaculation. With training, you can experience anal orgasms, which are more intense than ejaculation orgasms, and these are usually hands-free. But anal orgasms are just one way to orgasm — there are many more.

Let’s expand the concept even further. What if your orgasm is sheer mental pleasure? What if it is simply feeling hot and intense with another person? There is no textbook definition for orgasm. Many penis-bearing people feel left out of this experience because our culture teaches us that orgasms for cisgender men and anyone with a penis are quite simple: you get aroused, your penis gets hard, and after a certain point of intensity, a milky fluid comes bubbling or shooting out of your dick.

That is not orgasm — or at least not the orgasm that many people experience.

People with vaginas have been experiencing orgasms for as long as humans have walked the earth, yet we still don’t fully understand how or where they experience them. That’s partly because the study of cisgender women’s pleasure has largely been a male-led science, and the subject is drenched (no pun intended) in misogyny and non-scientific myths. What we know is that orgasm for people with vaginas is anything but simple and they describe it in countless different ways: as a quick, sudden jolt or long, drawn-out moment, like falling into a warm bath. Debate rages over where, exactly, these orgasms happen. In the clitoris? Somewhere else? We (bizarrely) still don’t know for sure.

Some vagina-bearing people describe their orgasms with ejaculation and the release of fluids, others do not. Here’s the truth: Penis-wielding people are no different. We’ve just been taught that our orgasms are simple, so most of us accept a simple understanding of our pleasure. On top of that, social gender roles make many men, cisgender and otherwise, feel closed off from experiencing the emotional and mental aspects of orgasm.

It’s OK to cry when you cum. I have. It’s OK not to cum and simply feel held, protected, and loved. It’s OK to simply enjoy pleasing someone else. All these are valid and intense ways to feel pleasure. It’s sad that most men never allow themselves to access these rich feelings.

I don’t know what exactly you experience when you bottom, but you stress that you enjoy bottoming, enjoy submission, and have a history of pleasing tops. That’s great. It sounds like you’re on the right track, but it also sounds like some myths, expectations, and anxieties are holding you back — or a pressing medical issue you must attend to.

Here’s some homework: Stop positioning any single experience (whether that’s ejaculating, getting hard, or even experiencing orgasm) as the “completion” of sex. Your sex is complete if you enjoy it. If you are experiencing pleasure, you’re doing it right. Do more of what makes you feel good. If you’re not experiencing pleasure, it’s time to experiment. Explore the sensations that arouse your body and mind instead of focusing on maintaining an erection and blowing a load.

There are many ways to light your own (interior and exterior) fireworks. Enjoy the sparks.

Love, Beastly 

8 Comments

  1. Awesome advice! I have only actually ejaculated while bottoming maybe 2 or 3 times in my life. However, I have experienced anal orgasms and full body orgasms, which are heavenly! I, too, enjoy a dick inside of me. I enjoy the feeling, physically, mentally and emotionally. I have even had emotional orgasms with my lover without ever having sex. The physical act of holding him while sleeping, kissing his neck and shoulder, makes me orgasm without ejaculation.

    I find it very difficult and uncommon to find a man who can even begin to understand this. Most seem to automatically label me as feminine, which is not the case at all. It’s unfortunate because once I had those kinds of orgasms, I never want anything less from a sexual experience.

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  2. Within the past two years I discovered anal orgasms from prostate toys, then worked out how to make them happen during anal sex. I wish I could send a memo to 18 year-old me! The only downside is the occasional, “Don’t you need to come?”

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  3. I recently went to a demonstration about anal play at my local BDSM dungeon and was surprised to learn that many men cannot maintain an erection while relaxing their muscles enough to make anal play enjoyable. It’s apparently a matter of physiology. The subject had that very “problem” during the demonstration.

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    1. 100% true. Men who like getting fucked perhaps don’t talk about this enough, but mastering anal play — particularly heavier ass play like fisting and playing with large toys — involves mentally switching the “focus point” of your pleasure from your penis to your prostate/anal sphincter. Having trained your body to this point, you *will not* get hard as easily or as frequently as you did before. This doesn’t have to be permanent — you can always go back (simply stop training yourself to enjoy ass play) — but it should be embraced as a totally new way to orgasm that bypasses erections and the mental/social pressure to maintain them.

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    2. Hi – just fyi it’s not a problem it’s just the state of his penis during that day. He may be hard all day or have a physical issue, not get hard but cums like that (I have), or a myriad of other paths. Just saying it doesn’t indicate anything.

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  4. Great insight into the male orgasm! I am a versatile top, meaning I love to fuck and I enjoy bottoming on occasion. Most of my lovers and partners have been bottoms. Even as a top, the quality and intensity of my orgasms varies greatly — anywhere from cumming 2 or three times during a single intercourse, to actually faking orgasm.

    As a bottom, my experiences have ranged from boring or painful and wanting to get it over with, to mind-blowing full-body orgasms. One boyfriend in particular used to bring me to bed sheet-ripping multiple full-body howling orgasms where cum would flow out of me like a fountain — no hands involved — for like 5 minutes while he fucked me.

    From a top’s perspective, yes, I love to pleasure my lover, but I am not hung up on him cumming while I fuck him. If it doesn’t happen during penetration, then I make sure it happens by other means.

    Either way, methinks it is the emotional connection that is the most important.

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  5. Great to read this. I’ve been having orgasms and not cumming for the last few years- maybe 5. I love all of it as a bottom man. Occasionally someone sits on my cock because I am often rock hard when there’s not a dick in me.

    And not being hard with a cock in me had nothing to do with being into it or not. Sometimes it takes some extra focus getting Fucked- other times I can be rock hard! No V – not against it, occasionally take half all depends on the situation, where my heads at, being hydrated and body comfort or pain (knees from collegiate sports).

    I’m mostly thoroughly loving every second of it and I don’t concern myself with cumming – Because, I have this out of mind orgasms when a man is great at pounding my butt like he owns it. 1 man I’ll call ‘C’ helped me feel comfortable with getting very wet while he was ramming his fine body into me. Insane pleasure but I felt like a freak Lol. Just enjoy the ride – my goal is for him to want my ass and for me to enjoy as much as physically possible.

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