Sex Is More Than Cumming

My name is Alexander. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex.

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I’m a 49-year-old gay Latin male. My question is, I am experiencing difficulties cumming when I’m being asked to cum. I want to know if you have a technique that will help me take my mind out of it. I’m seeing a guy that I really like, but every time we are having sex and he started asking me to give it to him I get anxious to cum and I can’t, even after I pulled it out and masturbate, it’s like my dick is super hard but doesn’t want to culminate the act. And I feel frustrated because I like this guy a lot and I want to please him and make him feel good and enjoy our time together. 

Hi friend,

I love cum as much as the next bloke, but shooting a load on or in someone is not the “culmination” of sex. The older we get, people with penises often have increased difficulty ejaculating, and there are many medical and emotional reasons why. Have you gotten your testosterone levels checked? Have you been screened for prostate cancer? (Not trying to be alarmist, but cancer is always a potential reality.)

You may be struggling with delayed ejaculation, ejaculatory inhibition, retrograde ejaculation, or the inability to reach orgasm (anorgasmia). Any of these conditions can be a side effect of medication, prostate surgery, or some underlying health condition. But don’t ask me — I’m not a doctor. I don’t know your medical history, and you should talk to your doctor before worrying about anything. Your doctor will be able to tell you if something you’re taking might be affecting your ability to cum (antidepressants are notorious for doing this).

I can help with the problematic way you view ejaculation — as the “culmination” of sex. If cumming is the culmination of sex, all the great sex out there that doesn’t involve ejaculation must be garbage, eh? That would discount a lot of incredible sex to be had in the world.

Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you are feeling pressure when he says he wants you to cum. Tell him this pressure is potentially keeping you from actually cumming. Performance anxiety may not be the issue behind your inability to cum, but it’s certainly not helping you.

I would wager that the vast majority of men experience performance anxiety in sex, particularly around our penises (our size) and our ability (to cum, to stay hard, to keep going, and on and on). I’ve certainly felt this performance anxiety countless times in my sex life. A partner pressuring me, asking me to deliver one specific thing, would not help.

You are understandably frustrated because you are unable to deliver what you believe he wants. And if cum is all he wants — a load, nothing more — he can get that from any anonymous top on the internet. But if he wants you — if he values sex with you as a person — he’ll be willing to explore other forms of sex and do what’s necessary to make you feel comfortable and pleased. If he loves you, he’ll stop pressuring you to perform.

Your question does not detail whether or not you have any trouble cumming when you masturbate, so I’ll assume you are able to ejaculate when you enjoy your solo time. When we privately masturbate, there’s no pressure or performance anxiety — we’re alone and comfortable. If he’s pressuring you and you feel performance anxiety, you’re decidedly not comfortable. By asking you to cum, he’s potentially creating more anxiety and less pleasure in your sex.

Sex is more than ejaculation. It is, in fact, more than orgasm, more than an erection, more than penetration. Sex is exploration and experimentation, gamble and risk, breath and touch, domination and submission. There are many non-penetrative forms of sex. There are many people who enjoy sex who do not orgasm. There are many guys who enjoy sex with an erection. The script of how you think sex should happen — penetration, fucking, ejaculation — ignores the reality that not everyone can do these things. (When I was new to HIV, I enjoyed many non-penetrative kinks which posed no risk of HIV transmission and did not involve any bodily fluids.) If the script is stressing you out, scrap it! Try something else!

Experiment with prostate stimulation, which generally produces stronger orgasms than penis stimulation, or my personal favorite — anal orgasms. Explore the intense power of touching, kissing, and intimacy and worry less about orgasm. The pressure to “finish,” as some say, can destroy the mental, emotional, and intimate aspects of sex.

We must liberate sex from the confines of fluids and performance and acknowledge that there are many ways to experience pleasure — ways that are inclusive and welcoming of all bodies and abilities.

Love, Beastly