Ask Beastly: Is This Thing Broken?

I’m a 49-year-old gay Latin male. My question is, I am experiencing difficulties cumming when I’m being asked to cum. I want to know if you have a technique that will help me take my mind out of it. I’m seeing a guy that I really like, but every time we are having sex and he started asking me to give it to him I get anxious to cum and I can’t, even after I pulled it out and masturbate, it’s like my dick is super hard but doesn’t want to culminate the act. And I feel frustrated because I like this guy a lot and I want to please him and make him feel good and enjoy our time together. 

I love jizz as much as the next guy, but it’s not the “culmination” of sex. The older we get, people with penises often have increased difficulty ejaculating, and there are multiple medical and emotional reasons why one might struggle to do so.

You may be struggling with delayed ejaculation, ejaculatory inhibition, retrograde ejaculation, or inability to reach orgasm (anorgasmia). Any of these conditions can be a side effect of medication or prostate surgery. Since I don’t know your medical history, you should probably talk to your doctor, who will be able to tell you if something you’re taking might be affecting your ability to cum (antidepressants are notorious for doing this).

I can help with the problematic way you view ejaculation — as the “culmination” of sex. If cumming is the culmination of sex, all the great sex out there that doesn’t involve ejaculation must be garbage, eh? Wrong. You’re discrediting and discarding so much sex by thinking that good sex ends one way — with a cumshot.

Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you feel pressure when he says he wants you to cum. Tell him this pressure is keeping you from actually cumming. Because that’s probably what’s happening.

You’re understandably frustrated because you are unable to deliver what you think he wants. And if that is all he wants — a load, nothing more — he can get that from any anonymous top online. But if he wants you — if he values sex with you as a person — he’ll be willing to explore other forms of sex with you, do what’s necessary to make you feel comfortable and pleased, and stop pressuring you to perform.

When we privately masturbate, there’s no pressure or performance anxiety — we’re alone and comfortable and it’s usually easier to cum. If he’s pressuring you and you feel performance anxiety, you’re not comfortable, and when you’re not comfortable, it’s almost impossible to cum.

Sex is more than ejaculation. It is exploration and pleasure and experimentation. It’s power exchange and risk and gamble and reward. The script of how you think sex should happen — penetration, fucking, ejaculation — ignores some facts: 1) not everyone can ejaculate and 2) not everyone has the option of enjoying cum. When I was new to HIV, I enjoyed many non-penetrative kinks which posed no risk of HIV transmission and did not involve any bodily fluids.

The older we get and the more we struggle with ejaculating, the more we should explore these kinks, along with other ways to orgasm that don’t require ejaculation — or, for that matter, an erection.

Experiment with prostate stimulation, which generally produces stronger orgasms than penis stimulation, or try my personal favorite — anal orgasms. More importantly, you should explore the power of touching, kissing, and intimacy and worry less about orgasm. The pressure to “finish,” as some say, can destroy the mental, emotional, and intimate aspects of sex. Sex isn’t validated when you orgasm — orgasm is just a nice finale.

Let’s liberate sex from the confines of fluids and performance and acknowledge that there are many ways to experience pleasure — ways that are inclusive and welcoming of all bodies and abilities.

Love, Beastly

Like what you read? Please consider supporting me as a monthly patron on my Patreon. Support starts as low as $5/month. Thanks ❤


  1. I am slow to cum when I am with a partner but that means I can fuck as long as the partner wants to. Rarely I will cum from fucking but most of the time I jerk off to cum. Over the last year I can cum faster and I credit a patient partner who accepted my situation.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s