Wife, Kids, and a New Boyfriend

Let me recap my situation. I am a mid 50s man who for most of my early life have felt that I was sexually oriented to bisexual. I got married in my 20s and had several kids. I never acted on my gay desires, but always felt the need to.

In my 40s, the desire to have sex with women disappeared and my desire for sex with men increased. Then a casual encounter with a high school friend changed my life. Both of us were good friends in high school but had lost touch. We started hanging out together (along with my wife) and before you know it, we were inseparable. 

After about 6 months one evening at a local restaurant, he mentioned to me that he is gay. I had suspected this and he told me that he suspected I was gay also (which I confirmed to him). He has since moved in with me (and yes with the wife also). By the way, she is ok with us being sexual. So here is the question…… How do I describe my relationship to the world? It is not anything standard (if there is such a thing).

Sir, it’s nice to be reminded that relationships like yours exist. No, your relationship isn’t anything standard, but who cares about standards? What you have is real.

There is really no need to explain your relationship to anyone, but I understand people might ask. Describe it to others if doing so feels right, but remember that your relationship doesn’t exist for anyone else. You never have to put it in a box for other people to understand.

In terms of succinct descriptors, your best option is to simply explain it as you did to me. You have a wife and a lover (or a boyfriend, whatever you decide to call him), and you all live together. That’s it.

That’s how I would explain it to the kids. That’s how I would explain it to your friends. You don’t need to come up with anything elaborate.

You mentioned that your desire to have sex with women disappeared some time ago, so I must ask: Where is your wife getting her sexual needs met? Is she equally free to seek sex with others?

As long as she feels happy and fulfilled, I’d say your relationship seems very healthy. If you’re looking for a label, I’d call your relationship polyamorous. Here’s some excellent info on polyamory.

Some hard sticklers for micro-details might argue with me that you could also be in a non-monogamous marriage, but terms like “monogamy” and “non-monogamy” only really concern themselves with who you are and aren’t permitted to have sex with, and as word-concepts, they are structured around the idea of a single, “primary” relationship. So if your marriage with your wife is your “primary” relationship and this guy is a side fling — if he’s a significant sexual exception in an otherwise monogamous union — some might say you’re non-monogamous. But the minutia between these terms is arbitrary. You have a wife and a guy you have sex with. Don’t get hung up too much on what you call and just be glad you’re in something so interesting and fulfilling.

Relationships that are hard to define require wordless understanding, and that’s a rare language some people search all their lives for. It sounds like you’ve found it. That’s the good love.

I’m glad he’s returned to your life this way, and I’m glad you are starting this journey together with no secrets or lies. My advice: Keep everything on the table, with fully open communication between everyone, and see where it goes.

Love, Beastly

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1 Comment

  1. If it helps, you can have a primary and still be polyamorous — the difference is more about do you have a romantic connection to your secondary or only a sexual one.


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