Not a Top, Bottom, or Vers. Are You a Side?

My name is Alexander. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex.

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Hi friend,

The prevailing gay doctrine says we are divided into three sex roles — top, bottom, and versatile. But there are whisperings of a fourth sex role for Queer men, or at least some Queer writers are trying to establish one. 

Sides” are queer men who enjoy sex but for various reasons do not enjoy anal sex. They may be into mutual masturbation, oral sex, and various non-penetrative kinks, but topping and bottoming aren’t on the list. 

To the sides of the world, I say welcome. I’m probably guilty of spreading the idea that anal sex is the default way for men to connect sexually. I’m sorry. 

I do focus on anal sex a lot, and I rarely talk about its frustrations. I can’t count how many nights, after unsuccessful douching, I’ve wished that I wanted something else or wished that this whole messy business was easier. I’ve cried. I bet most bottoms have. There’s nothing more crushing than that feeling, after being horny all day, consuming a careful bottoming diet, planning a wild night, and realizing after an hour-long cleaning attempt that I’ll be spending the night watching Netflix.

Anal sex is hard. And often, after all the work, it’s still unenjoyable. So it’s no surprise to me that some men simply don’t like it at all. Additionally, some may have medical reasons that make anal sex impossible. I’ve known many guys who are total tops not because they love topping, but because they find bottoming too painful and unpleasant. If you don’t like topping or bottoming, you might be a side.

Bottoming is a lot of work, preparation, diet management, and trial and error to find a cleaning routine that works. And while many bottoms may envy the perceived ease of being a top, tops have their troubles too. Thanks to porn, our culture glorifies big dicks and idealizes hypermasculine, aggressive, ultra-confident tops, making average men (most of us) feel inadequate by comparison and leaving feminine and submissive tops out in the cold. Even with all these issues, anal sex is widely considered the default sex between men. 

If I didn’t love anal sex, I’d probably feel ashamed and shut out from the fun, so I imagine sides often feel overlooked and left out. So much of gay culture, from eggplant emojis to butt shorts, codes anal sex into our lives. If “side” became a widely recognized sexual identity, it would break this heteronormative top-bottom binary that Queer men are forced to exist in. 

Beneath all these words and terms is a truth we’re just scratching at — that human sexuality can’t be reduced to single-word identities. Sexuality is a complex, fluid, ever-evolving thing. But single-word identities are helpful for dating and building communities, so we keep them. We should welcome sides the same way we welcome new words to our ever-expanding LGBT acronym. Queer elders tend to bemoan the expanding acronym (along with the word “queer”) as a snowflake invention, and I’m sure it sometimes looks like we’re composing identities out of thin air. But even if someone doesn’t understand the new terms or see the need for them, it’s not hard to understand the intention behind their creation.

Finding words for who we are and how we feel may be the oldest human struggle. Sexuality and gender are difficult, complex, intensely personal concepts that resist simple labels. Sex is such an important part of my life, and words like “bottom” and “versatile” barely do justice to what I am and what I like in bed, yet I can’t think of many words that describe me better. These oversimplified terms help us find others. While most of us can admit they fail to capture our complexity, we can also recognize the joy and power in finding others who connect with us thanks to shared words, a common language. 

“Side” might not roll off the tongue as easily as “top” and “bottom,” and talking about being a side might feel awkward. But I think there are a lot of Queer men out there who could benefit from learning that they have a tribe — one that doesn’t glorify anal sex as the baseline form of intimacy. 

Love, Beastly

13 Comments

  1. I do so enjoy reading your blog. It is so full of sensible thought and deep wisdom (hang on to your head now as we don’t want it to explode) and it teaches me so much, having come late into accepting myself as gay and struggling much with trying to find a way through it all. What I gain most from you is that it’s OK just to be me with all my quirks and hangups and problems, and that helps me so much to accept myself better. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What I really wanted to know (but never learned) from this article was “Are gay men who do not enjoy anal sex really a minority? or are they mostly just reticent to admit it?”

    As Romanofsky and Phillips sing:
    Guess that I was destined to be the kind of guy
    Who never really fits in, and never keeps in time
    So now I’ve started askin’ the question on my mind
    What kind of self-respecting faggot am I?

    Like

  3. I found a great website that glorifies protage And gives tips on all kinds of things that do not involve anal sex. I know I have it saved somewhere, but can’t remember the name of it. I will return and include a link for anyone who’s interested….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s been 4 years now that anal sex started to become a problem with a fissure and hemorrhoids becoming the norm. As the story goes, now I need reconstructive surgery because of my hemorrhoid-prolapse and the subsequent fissure. Unfortunately I have had 4 heart surgeries and I cannot have this procedure because of the danger of complications due to too much bleeding. After almost three years I’m now sexless. No man online or otherwise will date me. They all say what’s the point of being with someone for just a blowjob? I will never understand this fixation with anal sex that most men have. There are so many other things one can do in order to have a great time, but alas, I am lonely. I feel broken, damaged goods, because of my two medical conditions. Thank you for posting this article, although ti doesn’t help my current situations, it’s nice to know there are other people out there who do not or cannot have anal sex.

    Like

  5. This is totally me! Not a top or bottom. I appreciate this. I never thought of myself as versatile either. But if I had to pick one, that was it. Thanks!!

    Like

  6. This blog just drag me, snatch me, and beat me up (respectfully) because here i am reading and all my brain kept giving me were those different moments were i have felt this way. As recent as a few hours I left the home of a guy i am newly dating thinking that he was feeling this way but how do you start this discussion in the middle of a sexual situation… so i can see why he wouldn’t open up about it yet hours after he sends me this blog.., and now i think I love him… because there’s do much other things that we can do and explore. Im not gonna lie the best part about knowing we are on the same page Is that we can eat like two sexy twink fatties and not worry about any disappointments or headaches. I enjoy anal but i sure can live without it or minimize it to once in a blue moon because sex its an open field that deserves to be explored in every area, shape and forms.

    I take my hat for Alexander cheves because he definitely took of his time to slap some sense into all of us who can relate but weren’t able to view it or explain it to the T like cheves just did… Thank u 😍

    Like

  7. i’ve just recently (2022) learned of this concept. for many years I enjoyed being a bottom recipient, but as I have gotten older I can no longer physically endure anal sex. so this idea resonates with me.

    however, i’m not sure “side“ is the correct term. I think you can still be top, bottom or versatile, or dominant or passive or versatile, without wanting anal sex. I for example am a bottom cocksucker. i want to service a man who considers himself a top, but I don’t want to be serviced. So I think you can have top sides and bottom sides which then sort of negates the idea of being a “side”. I think we need another term to indicate non-anal and “side” just doesn’t do the idea justice.

    Like

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