The Biggest Dating Dealbreaker

First, thank you for having such a great blog. You don’t know how much it means to have a resource where you can ask questions that are otherwise taboo. I do have a question for you. I was reading your blog post about nonmonogamy and it fascinated me. I have a follow-up question to it. How do you approach the subject with your partner? My partner and I have been together for 5 years and married two years ago. However, sex is almost nonexistent. He is vehemently opposed to nonmonogamy, but my sexual needs aren’t being met. I want to approach the topic with him and discuss that physical needs doesn’t equate to love. He has a “heteronormative” outlook on marriage and sex. But yet he isn’t satisfying me. What advice would you have? It’s most appreciated. Thanks!

Thanks for reading and appreciating my work. I’m sorry, but I have bad news. You’ve talked with him about this enough to know he’s “vehemently opposed” to nonmonogamy, so you’ve already made at least one attempt. It sounds to me like you have come to a dealbreaker.

Not just any dealbreaker, but the dealbreaker — the big one, the dark god of dealbreakers. Unless things significantly change, you’re in trouble.

There are three dealbreakers I tell people to look out for:

  1. One of you is out of the closet. The other one is not. This, as far as I know, is not your situation.
  2. Political differences. Some people disagree with me on this, but I think it’s a hard rule. If one of you leans left and the other leans right, that lens affects everything you do, every way you engage with the world. I can’t date a Republican who thinks I’m not deserving of basic human rights, and neither should any self-respecting gay man.
  3. You want two different relationships. This is you. This broad dealbreaker encompasses many different scenarios. For example, when one of you is ready to take things to the next level and the other is not, you want two different relationships and are at an impasse. In your case, one of you wants a monogamous relationship and the other does not.

This third one is brutal and people who prefer non-monogamous relationships have all experienced it because we generally only discover we like non-monogamy through failed monogamy. You wake up one day and realize the rules no longer work for you and your needs aren’t being met. If he’s vehemently opposed to this alternative, it’s hard to envision a scenario in which you’ll be able to sustain a relationship with him.

I’ve been accused of being fatalistic in my relationship advice — my default answer does seem to be “end it now!” — but that shouldn’t be surprising. Most relationships are doomed to fail. I don’t mean to discount the love you have for this person. I believe it’s real and wonderful. But you also can’t live starved. That’s not fair to you.

You’re asking me for ways to broach the subject of nonmonogamy so that it appears less threatening to someone who’s already threatened by it — in other words, how to get a “yes” from someone who’s already given you a “no.” You will never get a yes. Take this as his final answer and decide what you’re going to do.

Even if he consents at some point (after cajoling and persuasion) to some permissions here and there, he will do so with grumbling bitterness which I’ve watched erode countless relationships exactly like yours — including my own. You, in turn, will feel like you’re on a leash, and may even grow to resent him in turn. (I grew to resent my boyfriend who gave me limitations I didn’t like and it caused a terrible breakup.)

My best advice: End things kindly, suffer a bit, mend, and find someone who shares your willingness to explore non-monogamy. Non-monogamy only works if you both are enthusiastic about the concept. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it.

Love, Beastly 

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6 Comments

  1. A great article and really thought-provoking. Thank you.

    What about religious/spiritual differences? Is that not a dealbreaker area too? If we believe and seek different things I think this will split us apart unless we can be so broad-minded as to accept what the other believes and respect and honour that, which is not usual and often humanly impossible because we all think we right.

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    1. Some people disagree with me on this, but I do not consider religious differences absolute dealbreakers, as I’ve seen them handled beautifully in several relationships including my own in the past. That said, very orthodox and extreme religious practicioners will have a harder time communicating through this difference than their more liberal and relaxed counterparts. Thankfully there are many interfaith religious institutions, like the Unitarian Universalist Church, where different-faith and interfaith couples can worship.

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  2. On this topic I totally agree with Beastly, approaching the topic from the other side as a practising Catholic. I’ve had a beautiful relationship with an Agnostic – the longest relationship I’ve had so far; we never argued about religion, just accepted the difference and respected each other’s reasons. On the other hand religion has seriously messed up two of my relationships with equally practising Catholics. The one would always declare his wishes to be guided by what the allmighty had indicated to be His will. Believer that I am, I won’t accept that avoidance of any honest discussion between two human beings. The other guy was suffering from overwhelming feelings of guilt about what we did together. Strangely, he only turned his hatred against himself, never accusing me and I’ve never had a harsh word from him. Sometimes I even tried to make him blame it all on me, because I thought that it would be healthier for him to despise me rather than himself. He wouldn’t. As far as I know he is still in the closet.
    Basically I consider the diffference between a fundamentalist and a reasonable, liberal, moderate member of the same religion to be a dealbreaker; but isn’t that more of a political differnece: Authoritarian versus liberal?

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