Ask Beastly: Did Kink Ruin Me?

Hi Beastly. Years ago when I was much younger, I got involved in a “Fight Club” scene, although it WAS a bit different. It was a small group of gay men (in NYC) who liked rough sex, to put it mildly. Unlike the “Fight Club”, the prize wasn’t money – it was ass – I own you for tonight. Also, unlike the fight club, we had rules, as most of us had jobs. Rules – No head work, no visible marks, no solar plexus, no kidney or ball punches, although I know there are men who enjoy ball work.

All else was on the table. I gotta confess that I enjoyed the hell of it. Here I am, many many years later, and living in a small town near Tucson. I don’t even know if I’m capable of regular romantic sex anymore, and yet, I don’t think my desire for men will ever fade. I’m just curious as to what you think, and do you know of any others in similar situations. I really enjoy reading the advice you have for others.

I love a good brag, and that’s a well-deserved brag. What do I think? I think you sound like a perfectly normal person who likes extreme sex. So what?

If you’re seeking help for something, I don’t know what it is. If your “situation” is that you don’t enjoy “romantic sex” anymore, that’s not a bad situation to be in. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing sick or unacceptable about only liking hardcore play.

That may seem obvious, but I want you — and everyone reading this — to really digest that truth. There’s nothing pathological or ill about liking hardcore kink and BDSM. This message counters the assumptions many people make about kinky people, including people with some medical and psychological credibility (doctors, therapists).

There’s no need to pathologize your desires just because they’re unconventional. Gay men get pathologized enough by the world — we don’t need to do it to ourselves. People everywhere really want to pathologize kink and extreme sex stuff like the “fight club” parties you describe. Resist that urge. To medicalize it is to quantify it, and I don’t think desires can be quantified into a laundry list of triggers and traumas. I think desire comes from random childhood experiences and stimuli, and some of those may be traumatic, but it’d be inaccurate to say all kink comes from trauma, or vice versa.

According to Psychology Today, anywhere from 2 to 62 percent of people are into BDSM — a bizarre statistic to try to obtain since so many people polled will not be honest. But suffice it to say that more people are kinky than you think, and I do not believe all those people are traumatized. If anything, I think kink is healthy, and many others do too.

I, too, feel barred from “regular romantic sex” sometimes. Many guys do. It’s not that we’re physically incapable of sweeter, intimate stuff — we simply don’t like it. I can still get through a vanilla hookup, but why should I have to? Why should I force myself to do something I find only bearable? I’d rather to get fucked by ten strangers who treat me like shit in some basement that reeks of sweat and semen. That’s my idea of fun.

You’re not barred from love or romance, but you might be barred from a version of love and romance that is palatable to the dominant heterosexual populace. But we’re gay men. We don’t give a fuck what they think. Their rules don’t apply to us. Those of us in fringe sexual communities have almost never seen our loves or sex lives presented in media or broadcasted or normalized or accepted by the mainstream, and we likely never will. But I’m OK with that. You should be too. I don’t have to see a love story on the big screen about a man who destroys another man’s butthole because I live that story every time I go out for a wild night.

As long as you set the rules of engagement and obey the established rules of consent, you’re free to do what you like — and brag about it.

Love, Beastly

Please tip me! Every dollar given helps me continue running this blog. Above Image: Tyson Fury licks Deontay Wilder’s blood during a fight, shocking live TV viewers after a brutal battle. Read more in The Sun.


  1. Hey Alex,
    Did you mean to say “There’s anything wrong with you” in your article? I enjoy reading your blog, and find the articles really interesting. Thanks for keeping it going.

    Kind regards,


  2. Hey beastly,

    I’ve been wanting to get into hardcore group play for a number of years now. I’m finally comfortable enough to accept the various fetishes I have and I am ready to be a cumdump. My issue though is seeking the fetish community. I’ve tried steamworks, but never seems to be as hard as I want it. I’ve stumbled upon some good hotel parties. But I feel like somewhere out there is a group of guys who would love to tie me up, hah me, piss in my mouth, dominate and so on. Hard bdsm. Do you have any advice on where I could find this? Also, you the best. Xoxo Chicago guy.


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