How Do I Talk About My Fetish?

I think I had the notion I was into bondage as a kid watching the Dukes of Hazard or Batman getting tied up or in some state of peril. I ignored those feelings I would get seeing them for a while until I got to college recently and started lightly exploring bondage type things during hook ups.

I’ve noticed from some of your articles on the advocate that you like gags. I find myself being turned on by the looks of them but not knowing how to introduce it into play. It seems weird but I feel much more embarrassed asking a guy if I can gag him than I do enquiring if they want to be tied up.

What do you suggest as far as introducing it into play? And if you have any other helpful pointers like the ones you prefer using and how you got into them.

Funnily enough, I first noticed my gag fetish with Batman too. Specifically, Joel Schumacher’s Batman Forever (1995). Chris O’Donnell as Robin was my first celebrity crush. In the film’s ridiculous climax, Robin is tied up and gagged with duct tape. I remember rewinding those seconds of him squirming and that muffled “mffmm mfffmm” sound he made and not understanding why it affected me the way it did.

The young protagonist of Dunston Checks In (1996) gets tied up and gagged in a bathtub. The villain (Rupert Everett) pulls open a strip of Duct tape and puts it over the boy’s mouth. The kid squirmed and mfffmm mffffmmmm‘d too. Weird, indescribable turn-on.

I did not understand what I was feeling, but I knew I was responding to these scenes differently than I was supposed to. Later, I wanted my friends to wrestle me on the playground and clamp their hands over my mouth. Once, at a pool party, I convinced the other kids to tie my hands behind my back with balloon ribbon.

My earliest trigger was Captain John Smith in Disney’s 1995 Pocahontas. Smith gets captured and tied to a pole in Pocahontas’ village. After that, I don’t know how many stuffed animals I tied up — with tape, with my mother’s bathrobe tie — until, I later learned, my parents asked a child psychiatrist if this was normal. Adopted kids are prone to erratic behaviors and I did many of the classic ones, and that’s what the psychiatrist told them: “He’s adopted, it’ll pass.”

It didn’t pass. My kinks have always with me, just as it seems they were always with you. They’ve existed in us since before we had the language to define them. You might have a difficult, maybe even embarrassing time introducing your kinks to your hookups because they come from a deeper, heavier place. They come from childhood, a time that’s traumatizing for everyone. So many embarrassments, desires, and triggers are scarred into us that it often takes us longer for us to become comfortable with them and eroticize them. For this reason, people often find kink later, after the basic sex arts are already established.

You probably feel a little childish embarrassment over wanting to be gagged. It can be frightening to reveal such a deeply-held turn-on to someone who may not be into it — or worse, someone who may laugh at it.

If you’re talking to guys about bondage, they’ll probably be fine with gagging, since bondage and gags go together. If you’re looking to just use gags without the additional accouterments of bondage (cuffs, rope, etc.), that simply requires communication.

There are countless different gags out there: ball gags, bits, butterfly gags, head harnesses, inflatable gags, muzzles, ring gags, and so on. Most gags perform one of three options: filling the mouth, sealing the mouth shut, or keeping the mouth open (for people who like watching their subs drool, and who may want to stick things in an open mouth, like a penis).

I don’t love open-mouth gags. I like things clamped over my mouth and sometimes stuffed in my mouth, so I love head harnesses, muzzles, and inflatable gags. Ball gags do nothing for me. But more than all these, I love good, classic duct tape — or better yet, vet wrap (bandage wrap), which makes a great gag or blindfold without ripping out your hair.

You may hope to strip the weird feelings and embarrassment out of introducing the fetishes that turn you on, but embarassment and shame are part of the whole erotic package. Fetishes are born of fear and discomfort, phobias and paranoia. Some experts have even suggested that fetishes are psychological mechanisms by which our minds cope with things we would otherwise be repulsed by. I don’t know if I think that’s totally true,  but some embarrassment, some sense that you’re unlocking something strange and exciting, is part of the thrill. Keep it.

Love, Beastly 

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